Truth

“If you don’t transform your suffering, I will always say, with 100 percent certitude, you will transmit your suffering to your family, your neighbours, even to your country”

Father Richard Rohr

He suffered…

We suffered…

My children have suffered.

Its a long chain reaction that is passed on down through the generations until the pattern is broken. Will my children pass on to their children the pain that they may have learn’t to carry from me? At times I wish for silence in my thinking this way, as an abundance of knowledge has lead to punishing thoughts/feelings and I really can’t deny my truth in all of this.

I have created suffering too.

Growing up in such an aggressive, volatile environment gives way to certain learn’t behaviour’s that often show up in my life. Different parts of my being are still angry, frustrated and sad-I struggle to accept these parts and also know and understand that the unaccepted self, can create even more of an unbalanced life.

The truth is I can change as we all can, choice exists for you and for me. So with knowing that… what stops us changing?

Returning to a place that is so uncomfortable… is comfortable. Its a place that we know, a place to reconnect with ourselves, a safe place, uncomfortably safe. It can be painful, yet in the midst of that pain, a deeper sense of knowing our truth, can reveal itself if we allow it. It is when that line is crossed and the need to control takes over that more suffering can occur.

I have crossed this line many times and the truth is, I have inflicted my own overwhelming pain on to my beautiful babies.

I have tried to control just as my parents tried to control me.

My children have rebelled against my inability to let go of the repetetive patterns that I so brutally learn’t and have stood up for their rights to be independent of my wrath. They, as their own people truly deserve better from me as their teacher, confidente, Mother.

What I know for sure as Oprah would say –

I would give my life in exchange to save my children.

The Love for my children is insurmountable, they are my absolute everything.

I am honoured and so very grateful to have been given the chance to share in their journey in this life as their Mother.

I am sorry for the pain that I have inflicted and… I am still learning.

This was my victory and my battle. All my demons, all my monsters that I’d been carrying around forever, the light came through and I realised; Oh, your not demons. They’re not monsters. They’re not dragons. I’ve been making them more grandiose than they are. They’re just the orphaned parts of me. They’re just the fearful-est, most terrified parts of me. They are scared to death. And they are throwing temper tantrums because of their fear. And now I have to tell them that it’s going to be okay. And they will all go to sleep. I am the mother of all of these parts of me. At one point I remember in my ascending above them all and saying,

I love you, fear and now go to sleep. I love you anger, you’re part of me. Go to sleep. you’re safe. I love you. I’m not leaving you. You’re part of me, you’re part of the family. You’re never going to be away from me. I love you failure. Come into my heart. Rest. You’re so tired. You’re so scared. You’re just children. You don’t know how the world works. I love you all. I have space for all of you. And together, we’re going to go forward now. – Elizabeth Gilbert

The door is open.

Its raining.

I am the rain.

© All Rights Reserved – The boy in the chip 2019

Author: Michelle Denness

Wife, mother to three incredible kids and aspiring writer/poet. I am passionate about sharing personal stories to empower others and this space is for me to be open and free with my thoughts. This is my journey...

4 thoughts on “Truth”

  1. I adore what you wrote about fear and its an act of grace to own how your pain has affected others. I don’t have kids but I have screamed at my dog at times for doing silly ‘naughty’ things that are just due to him being a dog and not always having an owner who knew well how to toilet train him. I am learning because we were savaged a lot as kids due to my Mum’s perfectionism. You are owning your stuff and you feel real remorse that just shows you are a good human being who is doing their level best to grow in love.

    Like

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