Keep living until you are alive

The force that stormed through the door was untamed.

He was a mad man.

The man I loved unconditionally and yet feared unlike any other human being alive, arrived with the big black case in hand.

Remember the case?

I froze – engulfed in terror, my mother a couple of feet behind me and to be specific, she stood in the right hand corner at the back of the front room.

I was her shield.

Like it was okay?

The dog was going crazy, barking in a frenzy of confusion running in all directions. He was my father’s dog and very much loved.

The mad man – hair messed, face contorted, eyes wide with RAGE started bellowing at my mother and the only thing I remember is;

“I’m going to kill you.”

and he hurled the big black hard sided case with such force, across the room at Her and as she threw herself out of the way, her screams of begging and pleading went un-noticed by any person outside.

It was a near miss.

Smashing against the wall.

The dreadful volume of noise – shouting – screaming – crying – barking – it was utter chaos.

I can still hear the hysterical cries from her and the fury filled shouting from him – I began pleading with him, begging him to stop, telling him I was scared, using his love for me to try and persuade him to calm down;

“If you love me Dad then please, please stop!”

I was in my very own nightmare and needed help. I couldn’t get him to stop and physically I didn’t have the strength to hold on for much longer. The situation escalated as he kicked the dog out the way and started to push me back and walk in her direction so I threw my arms around him, hugging him, telling him I loved him, sobbing; my feet slipping on the carpet as I pushed back as much as I could.

I tried I really tried hard; I pushed back

and prayed frantically, with speed, in my head to a God that I believed was there.

He was there, wasn’t he?

Then something changed – slowly, he began to calm down and as I held on to him for dear life, he demanded to know where his drugs were. My mother told him as he prized my arms from around him and walked out of the room.

I prayed every day as a child.

For my father –

What is this love
this powerful force
This energy of love
Can strip the volatile naked
to reveal a truth
not often seen
Rage can hide behind love
and fear behind the rage
Fear is the truth
that rage will not speak
Love is the gentle dance
to heal a broken heart

©All Rights Reserved – The boy in the chip shop 2019

Author: Michelle Denness

Wife, mother to three incredible kids and aspiring writer/poet. I am passionate about sharing personal stories to empower others and this space is for me to be open and free with my thoughts. This is my journey...

5 thoughts on “Keep living until you are alive”

  1. Childhood trauma like the event you are describing with your father in this blog stays with us and can be very damaging to our psychological growth. It can have deleterious effects on our happiness and performance in adulthood. I’m sure that I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know. I can’t imagine the pain you must have felt when this happened to you, and the repurcussions it has caused in your life. I’ve suffered recurring depression as anadult resulting from childhood trauma. Recently, I’ve begun a therapy called somatic experiencing therapy. It’s helping me tremendously, where nothing else has really helped.

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    1. Yes it’s very true that the trauma we experience as children can effect us greatly. From my own experience my grief was never processed emotionally as there was no help from school or any outside services etc
      The pain that I felt inside stayed there unresolved and has always been as painful as it ever was when the initial event happened.
      My life in every area has been effected and I’ve also used my pain to have such a deep awareness of other people’s emotional pain allowing for a life of serving others.
      So… losing my father as traumatic as it was has been an incredible gift for me to help others find their own uniqueness and path out of pain 🙂
      Am I making any sense?

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      1. Hi Michelle,
        Here is an explanation of SE Therapy by the founder of the modality, Peter Levine: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AFUZHz6_0XE
        If you google Somatic Experiencing therapy, you’ll find more information. If you live in a metropolitan area, there will be a number of licensed therapists who are trained in the modality and offer it as a regular part of their treatment. The key is to find someone who you feel comfortable with and can connect with. This will take some phone interviewing to find the right person. My experience is when the student is ready, the teacher appears. I’ve been fortunate to find just the right person. By the way, I tried twice to leave a comment on your blog titled “Trust the Process.” for some reason, the comment didn’t appear. It asked me to log in, which I did, but the comment didn’t appear after two attempts. I’m new at making a concerted effort to connect with bloggers on WordPress. I’ll get the hang of it eventually. In the meantime, Please check your spam folder in case Akismet kicked me in there.

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      2. Hi David. Sorry that you were unable to comment. I am new to all of this and I’m not sure why you were unable to but I will see if I can work it out. I watched the link that you sent and it’s very interesting. I also watched the video of the two simple techniques that Peter teaches. They would both work greatly when working with anxiety (especially with younger clients) and they are easy to teach. Many thanks and I will check it al out some more.

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