Trapped

I could hear him banging around in the kitchen preparing his next available powerful supressant, those tiny little pills that that took him some place else.

I don’t remember if he made his sandwich that night!

My mother was shaking, colour drained from her face, terrified he was going to come back into the room and finish what he started. She literally didn’t know what to do with herself and must have felt like a trapped animal.

I know I did.

The front door to the street was closer to us than him and we could have made a run for it but we didn’t.

She didn’t!

I realise now how strong and brave the 13 year old part of me was.

At that point there was no question of leaving him. My mother had always taken her vows seriously;

In sickness and in health.

He was a sick man, she was a trained nurse and you never leave a sick patient.

My father took himself off up stairs and I can’t seem to recall exactly what happened next but I do remember him telling me that he would sleep in my bed and I was to sleep in with Mum. It would safer for us.

He looked directly into my eyes and said;

“Lock the door and keep it locked. Barricade it if you have to because if you don’t I will kill your Mother.”

He must have passed out because it went quiet for a short while.

My Mother and I were in seperate beds in my parents bedroom. I just remember feeling sick in my stomach absolutely terrified and I know its a word that I have used consistently throughout my writing but its true, I was terrified. We couldn’t sleep through fear of him breaking down the door to get to her and it felt like there was no way out. We were trapped and waiting once again for the onslaught.

As the night went on there was movement outside of the bedroom door, I think he was in and out of the bathroom and his drugged up condition created his drunken-like stupor.

We didn’t sleep.

I don’t remember us talking much either.

I wonder now, where my dog was?

Again, I wanted to run to get help, get out of there but I couldn’t.

I couldn’t go through that door.

Remember the doorthe metaphor for my life.

I have been stuck behind that Door for 38 fucking years.

The hours seemed endless, waiting for the sun to rise and for him to be less agitated. My hope was that things would look different in the morning and that he would be different too. Maybe sorry for his actions and willing to get some help for his addiction.

We all needed so much help but no one was coming to help us.

In the early hours of the morning a mighty loud crash came from the other side of the wall where the bathroom was.

I sat bolt upright and got out of bed. Creeping quietly towards the wall, I pressed my ear gently against it fearful of him knowing that we were awake.

I couldn’t hear anything.

Neither of us knew what had happened and I remember distinctly that my bladder needed emptying.

Everything went quiet.

 © All Rights Reserved – The boy in the chip shop 2019

Author: Michelle Denness

Wife, mother to three incredible kids and aspiring writer/poet. I am passionate about sharing personal stories to empower others and this space is for me to be open and free with my thoughts. This is my journey...

8 thoughts on “Trapped”

    1. My life has been an interesting one Deborah. There is so much to say to you and I don’t think I am quite ready just yet. The more I write, the bigger the realisation for me. If I am honest I think that ‘coping’ is probably the right word. I have ‘coped’ and not fully lived. As for my relationship, I have been married for 28 years. We’ve had our up’s and down’s and are still here to tell our story. I have allowed the FEAR to take over my life at times and that has had a profound affect on my emotional well-being. Thank you again for your kind words 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

    2. I am a friend of Michelle and I can’t begin to tell you how amazing she is and what a caring and devoted wife and mother she is. The aftermath of her traumatic childhood is that she continues to save everyone else. She knows that she needs to put herself first now and writing this blog is a huge step and part of her healing journey.

      Liked by 2 people

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