20.10.1981

Today, grief washes over me like a vicious ocean.

I have been running from this sadness for so long now and have felt too paralysed to work on my writing this past week. Some days I just wander in my mind looking for a safe place to rest but seemingly, it’s proving more difficult

I have to keep writing through it.

On the anniversary of my fathers passing I desperately want to acknowledge him and give meaning to his life as no other person ever does.

Nobody… and I feel very sad about that.

Was he that insignificant? Did he really matter to anyone? Was his life that unimportant?

If you were to ask my brothers to tell you the date of their father’s death, they wouldn’t have a clue and my Mother always needs reminding.

The date goes unnoticed.

Most years I remember him in silence but this year I wrote a Facebook status which came completely out of the blue.

If there was a direct telephone line that could reach him now, I would choose to hear him speaking softly to me and listen carefully to the sound of his voice, savouring every moment. I would ask him how his day has been and tell him about mine. I would spend the time laughing with him and sharing the simple things I know he’d love to hear… and I’d love him just that little bit more.

We must never underestimate the power of un-resolved grief. Its a burden to carry for sure and one that is so heavy for me to this very day.

Even though I was very afraid of my father, my love for him is evident.

Our healing is unfolding

©All Rights Reserved – The boy in the chip shop 2019

Author: Michelle Denness

Wife, mother to three incredible kids and aspiring writer/poet. I am passionate about sharing personal stories to empower others and this space is for me to be open and free with my thoughts. This is my journey...

10 thoughts on “20.10.1981”

  1. It was the same in my family with unacknowledged death anniversaries, Michelle. I feel your pain and just want ypu to know that someone hears and does understand. Your grief is made moe enormous by having to carry it without family. I really understand. Sending you love 💖

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Wow that reached down someplace deep in my own soul, so real and raw thank you for sharing your heart. Being able to express it and knowing that you are not alone in it is how we get through it, you are doing all the right stuff. Prayers for your comfort ❤️🙏

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I did not know Michelle sorry, I have only just read your post.
    A prayer to all those that have gone before us and will go after us…🙏💛 Keep being strong

    Like

  4. Another truly powerful piece. Thank you Michelle. We all deal with our grief in different ways, some of us remember details and dates, others don’t. I way you wrote about your imagined phone call sounds like you were there. Our memories are always with us. What does your unresolved grief look like? Lots of love Jo

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Your writing instincts are just what you need to work through all of this. May the burden begin to lift, but may you always be the one to remember him. You said you want to give meaning to his life. I think you are in the process of discovering that meaning. Trust the process. You’re on the right path, dear Michelle. (Slogging counts! Even if it’s not beautiful. I believe it will become beautiful as you unravel the hard parts.)

    Liked by 1 person

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