It’s Been a While

I haven’t written anything for a few weeks. Maybe I jumped in too soon with turning the page!

I need to write

I want to write.

It’s super important to me.

The minute I stare at the screen, my mind seems to empty out the information that felt important for me to share.

It’s surely playing games with me!

I read through other blogs and remind myself of the inconsistency that I offer. Once again, the lack of motivation I feel, to do the very thing that I love, is zilch…

Is that even a word?

There is still a great deal of conflict within me that easily sabotages my moving forward and it feels like I’m dragging my-self through the darkest of forests without a torch.

That’s interesting!

My – Self

and,

I wonder why I didn’t take a torch?

Maybe it’s just easier to stay in the forest (right now) than move forward towards something much lighter?

I’m repeating more of the same patterns over and over again.

It’s safe.

Uncomfortably safe.

https://www.google.com

©All Rights Reserved – The boy in the chip shop 2019-20

Author: Michelle Denness

Wife, mother to three incredible kids and aspiring writer/poet. I am passionate about sharing personal stories to empower others and this space is for me to be open and free with my thoughts. This is my journey...

14 thoughts on “It’s Been a While”

  1. It might not seem like it but you are in process Michelle.. struggling under the burden of what we do we do come down hard on ourselves, that said I understand the same feelings and struggle to move out of old patterns.. going through the same… Sending love…. hopefully in time the light will return in the midst of the forest.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Without a doubt the inner work is the hardest, slowest, visually non-fruit bearing journey I’ve ever embarked upon. When I have insights into my current progress (or lack there of) I always make a point to say “and that’s ok”.

    Everything hinges on self acceptance and wishing our experience was different is like jumping in front of an 18 wheeler on the freeway… We will lose every time.

    I honestly believe that it is in these seasons of silence (I’m in one too) where the most important work and greatest healings takes place. stay the course, this is what it looks like ❤️🙏

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for reaching out. It’s definitely a tough ride and one that I know I must keep going on.
      And… it’s okay for us all to take our time. Just feeling very tired of carrying it all around and I know in time, things will be lighter 🙏

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m discovering that my faith plays a bigger part in this than I realized. The visuals of “carrying it all around“ is so active and descriptive and I’ve had God tell me over and over that it’s not mine to carry anymore, but it never was but because I didn’t know better I thought I was supposed to. And that I’m learning I carry a lot of burdens I’m not supposed to be caring, burdens of others and burdens of the world that are beyond my ability to fix or change. God tells me this is a season of my own hearts restoration and that it’s OK to ask for help and to not be resentful if the people I had been there for aren’t there for me right now. Its opening my eyes to the true challenge and necessity for grace, compassion, understanding and forgiveness. We truly all want to do our best and for broken homes that typically looks more hateful than it does loving. But nobody’s behaviors or a true representation of who they are, only how broken or healthy they are. We live in a very broken world born of many broken generations and for some like us with been to the gates of hell. But God truly is a God of restoration, and he restores from the inside out and he’s letting us know that it is safe to love and be loved but it starts with us loving us, knowing he loves us and then being strong in loving others. I guarantee this gets better in the process of remembering and grieving is a necessary season that we are simply moving through and not stuck in. I truly feel a kindred connection to you and pray often for all of the wounded in the world. Or pain will be used in great ways to encourage others as we emerge out of the cocoon of childhood trauma. Many blessings Michelle.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. And I will always be grateful for our connection and Grace. Surrendering to something much greater than we could ever imagine may just be the answer. For me… I don’t know what that looks like yet and yes I pray daily and yet still feel confusion around whom or what I am praying to. I have simply forgotten and am trying to find my way back 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Hi Michelle, maybe you need someone else who has a torch to help you find your way out of the forest? Sometimes we get lost and can’t see for looking and someone can point us in the right direction. As always, all my love and well done for writing again,. Jo

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Putting anything “on paper” is cathartic and eventually revealing. Sometimes it’s too soon to take a torch along. Just do it, maybe better not to wonder where it’s/you’re going, just one step at a time. I’ll be glad when my hand cooperates again so I can get back to “real journaling” that I can later comb through–a fairly new habit, just to see if there’s something there. There usually is, even if it’s only a nugget, something more to ponder.

    I also like Jo’s idea of a friend with a torch. I think you’ll know when it’s time to include that other human.

    Like

    1. Thank you Joy. Journaling has been suggested to me several times and I haven’t followed through. I hope you are feeling better and I know it will take time.
      Jo is my dear friend and she is also my torch and I am extremely grateful for the two of you always taking the time to read my writing. Thank you…

      Liked by 1 person

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