Today is my Mothers 85th birthday and she is still as fierce with her words as she was many years ago.
We had one of our pretty much usual determined conversations yesterday and by determined I really mean that Mother accuse’s, passes judgement and then dismisses any chance of a re-trial and all determined by her imagination.
I know only too well how difficult it’s been for her over the past few lock down months, it’s been tough for everyone.
For as long as I can remember, my Mother has perfected playing the role of the victim.
It is always about her and how someone has mistreated her, misleading her, lying to her, not including her and so on.
It is such a shame because she is an incredibly strong lady, with unbelievable resilience, a great sense of humor (on a good day, well a very good day, that is) and can be the most loving Mother anyone could wish for.
There is a saying that we have said for many years about her and that is;
She will give you the shirt off of her back if she thought that it would help you.
And, there is a part of me that will tell you, its comes at a cost-a reminder of how much she has done for you, if it wasn’t for her… how she has been a “Dam good Mother” and the ultimate statement that I just have to write in capitals;
IF IT WASN’T FOR ME YOU WOULDN’T BE ALIVE
Um! What can I say accept;
Thanks Mum for my life.
I am so glad I survived, even though the odds were set against me.
Please don’t get me wrong I love my Mother so very much and on the other side of that statement, I have spent my life making up for, as she believes, loving my Father more.
So yesterday, I found myself at age 51 and 3/4 justifying my not spending time at friends houses and spending time at hers, when I’m supposedly isolating (keeping her safe) from her and others.
I’m not even sure what I just wrote made any sense (laughing out loud).
So I shall try again; that heated conversation came about because she read or saw something on Facebook, (yes Mother has face book and commonly refers to it as the Huddle, which is the name of the device she first had, in order to use the internet-argh!! My brain aches just trying to explain it) then made up a story in her head about what she thought she saw.
We often make up stories about situations that actually, we know nothing about or are the very least are missing the facts.
I wasn’t anywhere I wasn’t supposed to be.
When I called to say that I would like to make lunch for her today and we would have to sit in the garden due to social distancing, she went straight into the victim role and stated that I have been very distant over the past few months.
No mention of a Pandemic…
Mother also claimed that she knew that I had spent so much more time with other people than with her and yet, I am telling her that she has to sit in the garden-“Your own Mother!”
We are the product of our life experiences and they do not and will never define who we are and there is always room for change.
There is so much hurt, rejection, loss, frustration, bitterness, jealousy and pain that Mother still holds within her and no amount of my trying, desperately at times to lead her towards thinking differently about her life, is going to change that.
This is her journey and of course I am a huge part of that journey and my love for her is insurmountable.
Will I always feel frustrated when we rub each other up the wrong way… of course I will, because until I heal the part of me that is my Mother, she will always present to me the lessons that I need to learn.
Ultimately, we all want to be loved and my Mother is no different.
Happy birthday to you on this 10th day of June.
Patricia June Maltby Thompson Sinclair
May you find that acceptance within you that I believe you are searching for.
May you forgive yourself for the role that you didn’t play.
May you know, that we your children, love you and always will.
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