Stubborn and suitably matched.

I’m not sure that I’ve begun to grieve yet, or have I grieved for so many years that now, I’m able to manage this process feeling balanced and present, without being engulfed in sadness?

Is that what we do?

Manage our feelings?

Sounds so text book!

And of course, I’ve managed my feelings for many years, until it got to a point where managing wasn’t an option.

This writing process shall remain my saviour and isn’t it strange how we are able to share with complete strangers the essence of our soul. The high’s and low’s, the authentically raw material of our mind. The innocence, betrayal, the love and honor, our most intimate misgivings.

I am grateful for this space and I am grateful to you, for playing such a fundamental role throughout my healing journey, even though you may not be aware of that fact. I write, people read and to me, someone is listening, someone can hear me.

Thank you.

Everyday there is something new to wade through and I’m doing okay even though I can’t quite get my head around Bro not being here. It seems that maybe he’s just gone away for a while. His coats still hang in the hallway and his glasses sit on the side table, ready for him to read the weekly paper. His chair is softly indented and still raised up slightly, so that it’s easier for him to stand when ready. Shoes are sat in the exact same position of when he wore them last and pajamas folded neatly on his bed. The old crocheted blanket lays unused, an extra to keep him warm at night and Mum placed his clean and washed vest in the middle of the blanket, just in case he needs it.

I wonder if he has actually gone anywhere, I wonder what the hell has just happened, I wonder if I’ll wake up in a minute and it’s all been a terrible dream.

I wonder?

Aah… there they are, my tears of release, a little at a time. I wondered where they were too and now are falling freely and uninterrupted.

Oh Bro, if only you knew how much you were loved-are loved and the empty space you have left behind is huge.

Your presence is missed greatly.

You may never really know how much you love someone until they aren’t here anymore and the sheer impact that they have on your life.

I truly know that now Bro and I’m sorry, I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you enough when you were here.

I’m sorry that I wasted time feeling hurt, angry and so damn stubborn.

Stubborn-and suitably matched.

Checkmate-only we both lose.

My advice to you all is this;

don’t leave things until it’s too late.

Don’t allow grievances to go on for a long period of time.

Don’t waste time with insignificance.

Try your very best to come from a loving place.

See things for what they are, not worse than they are.

Leave all judgement’s at the door and most of all

be kind…

Bro suffered and that’s another story.

I so wish he hadn’t.

tonipayneonline.com

©All Rights Reserved – The boy in the chip shop 2019-20

Author: Michelle Denness

Wife, mother to three incredible kids and aspiring writer/poet. I am passionate about sharing personal stories to empower others and this space is for me to be open and free with my thoughts. This is my journey...

9 thoughts on “Stubborn and suitably matched.”

  1. Your words ring totally true. Death brings clarity to life and how we live our lives.
    It is such a hard time for you and your Mum. You will find a level in time. And yes, time will make it different, maybe not heal. It will allow you to learn to live with the death of Bro. Be kind to yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Much wisdom here. Beautiful. Don’t let anyone tell you how to grieve or how long it “should” take. You are God’s unique creation, in all ways, even how you process all you’ve been through. I’m thankful that writing helps, but sharing the writing helps even more. We are thankful to be “a safe place” for you to say what needs to come out. Your honest rawness with someday help someone through their own pain.

    Liked by 1 person

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