Don’t become the ladder

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To feel deeply disconnected creates such inner turmoil.

When I look at her, I am plagued with feeling utterly frustrated and then overwhelming guilt. It saddens me to see her struggle as an elderly lady and then leaves me feeling exhausted because her expectations of me as a daughter, are just too high.

I read quotes about how it is my ‘duty’ to look after her as she ages (I’ve been doing it for as long as I can remember) and yet, my drowning in desperation seems insignificant!

Maybe drowning is the answer-mine not hers.

Guilt-has long been the prominent emotion which surrounds her and our attachment to one another.

Age is no pretty thing if you are still dragging bitterness and unforgiveness with you and lets face it, she has never ever been separated from her own personal turmoil which seems, I am expected to carry too; well from her point of view anyway!

So I guess I shall just crack on with it and carry both of my parents unresolvedness, until such time that I have learned the lessons that the universe requires me to learn from all of my time here or, I have the courage to live my life for me and not for them.

The pain of carrying their emotional stories, their feelings of insignificance, their all time stuff, is back breaking-literally.

I have never felt such physical pain in my lower back as I do now and on another level of my being human, the realization that I chose this path of most resistance too,

brings fourth a wry smile.

They really did teach me well!

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and I am still learning.

Always learning.

So a lesson for you;

love yourself enough to not get into the hole of drama with another.

Offer them a ladder so that they can climb out themselves.

Don’t become the ladder!

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Its been a while…

My beautiful girl and her smile is worth all of the struggle.

We made it to France.

The land we now call home.

Exhausted – it’s been a long few months.

Well for the moment anyway.

©All rights reserved – The boy in the chip shop 2019-20

Author: Michelle Denness

Wife, mother to three incredible kids and aspiring writer/poet. I am passionate about sharing personal stories to empower others and this space is for me to be open and free with my thoughts. This is my journey...

2 thoughts on “Don’t become the ladder”

  1. Ask God to partner with you on this burden-carrying. He’ll do it, and it’s such a relief. I also learned to picture a rope between you and the other person (it was also my mother and her expectations, which I couldn’t fulfill), and to allow the rope to lessen in your mind’s eye. It helped me realize that her expectations weren’t mine, and that it was okay.

    Thankful you got moved, but I won’t ask if you’re settled in yet.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Joy for always thinking of me. There is a Hawaiian healing process that cuts the chord between you and the people that don’t have your highest and best interests heart. It’s been many years since I used it and you’ve just reminded me that I do have the tools to work through this. Settling in us a tough point right now having brought my mother with us 🙂

      Like

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