To feel deeply disconnected creates such inner turmoil.
When I look at her, I am plagued with feeling utterly frustrated and then overwhelming guilt. It saddens me to see her struggle as an elderly lady and then leaves me feeling exhausted because her expectations of me as a daughter, are just too high.
I read quotes about how it is my ‘duty’ to look after her as she ages (I’ve been doing it for as long as I can remember) and yet, my drowning in desperation seems insignificant!
Maybe drowning is the answer-mine not hers.
Guilt-has long been the prominent emotion which surrounds her and our attachment to one another.
Age is no pretty thing if you are still dragging bitterness and unforgiveness with you and lets face it, she has never ever been separated from her own personal turmoil which seems, I am expected to carry too; well from her point of view anyway!
So I guess I shall just crack on with it and carry both of my parents unresolvedness, until such time that I have learned the lessons that the universe requires me to learn from all of my time here or, I have the courage to live my life for me and not for them.
The pain of carrying their emotional stories, their feelings of insignificance, their all time stuff, is back breaking-literally.
I have never felt such physical pain in my lower back as I do now and on another level of my being human, the realization that I chose this path of most resistance too,
brings fourth a wry smile.
They really did teach me well!
and I am still learning.
So a lesson for you;
love yourself enough to not get into the hole of drama with another.
Offer them a ladder so that they can climb out themselves.
Don’t become the ladder!
Its been a while…
We made it to France.
The land we now call home.
Well for the moment anyway.
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