Run Run – as fast as you can

the thing you are most afraid 
to write

write that

- advice to young writers

My mother and I were sat watching the televison when there was a loud hammering on the door.

As a small child, Saturday was my favourite day of the week . After doing the weekly shop, we would go to Woolworths and buy a big bag of sweets to devour whilst watching tv. I can remember so clearly, standing on tip toes to reach up to the carousel of pick a mix, foraging for the toffees with the curly white centre’s and throwing back the ones that didn’t fit the necessary criteria.

How funny…

Mum was oblivious to the fact that I was stealing and I would pop them in my pocket for later. Lord only knows (a term she often used) what my father would have done if he had caught me stealing!

Years later, Saturday’s were no longer my favourite days.

The hammering came from our neighbour who so graciously accepted the role of emergency contact. She relayed an urgent message from the hospital.

And boy!! Was it an emergency?(well for us it was.)

The nurse on duty had called to warn my mother that my father had discharged himself and was on his way home and said that he was in an highly agitated state.

NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) teaches us about states.

The drugs had created a ‘come down’ reaction and his addiction was pushing his body for more.

There was more at home…

He walked the nearby streets in his dressing gown and slippers, carrying a large old black rectangle suitcase-the kind where if you pushed the side in causing a slight dent, then the dent could easily be pushed back out from the inside. I’m not quite sure the relevance of writing that part-maybe the case with a story attached, may have found its way into someone’s vintage collection by now.

I remember his dressing gown, burgundy and grey checked with a tassled ended belt and I wonder now, what passers by would have possibly thought?

We were absolutely terrified, waiting for the grenade to go off and feeling paralysed, unable to run.

UNABLE TO RUN… I’ve always been a runner!

The fear was so intense that there isn’t a word in my vocabulary to describe what I was feeling.

My mother hid his drugs and we waited.

All Rights Reserved – The boy in the chip shop 2019

The Prayer

There doesn’t seem to be a beginning for me, just a mixture of memories, some more powerful than others and in no particular order, allowing them to rise and fall .

My Father died when I was the tender age of 13. I believe that he had to die in order for me to live and somewhere within his soul, he knew that. Its a struggle to remember him without the overwhelming feelings of fear and pain. Everything about him seems tainted with those two powerful emotions and I feel sad that I can’t find a single memory that is full of laughter or joy. Sorry Dad… My hope is that by writing my story down, it may evoke some happy memories that are stored somewhere within me.

It wasn’t until I discovered NLP and whilst on my training in the USA, that I realised I had emotional ‘stuff’ that needed dealing with. I have to add, that a NLP practitioner training is not the place for personal therapy in any event. During practicing the processes, I experienced some emotional releases that were extraordinary and quite profound and my passion for helping others to do the same began. That was over 21 years ago.

The events leading up to my father’s death were extremely traumatic.

I remember one day when he was lying in bed in a drugged up stupor, slurring his words, telling me to write down his life story. In more coherent days he would say that the world needs to know the truth about his traumatic experience of being a child prisoner of war. He suffered mentally and physically for the entire 13 years of having him in my life and as a family, my mother and two older brothers, were marred by his suffering too. Even as a little girl I could feel the intense sorrow that seeped out from him and it was confusing. I’ve in turn carried his pain deep within me maybe to acknowledge him in some way. I loved my father so much but was terrified of him too. The double edge sword.

On the night before my father was found dead, I knelt down, sobbing, resting my elbows on the bed, placed my hands together and I prayed;

Dear Lord
Please forgive me for the sins that I have committed.
Please make my Dad die and take him to Heaven to be with you because if you don’t he will kill my Mum.
Please Lord keep us safe, I’m so scared.
Please forgive me.
Amen

All Rights Reserved – The boy in the chip shop 2019