Simply Beautiful…

I close my eyes and feel the strength of this incredibly powerful piece of music which exudes emotion.

So moving.

So beautiful.

It is an essential human need to feel and be safe. Each and every person alive has the right to live without fear and yet so many of our fellow men, women and children do not experience this.

The internet has recently been overwhelmed with the ‘Be Kind’ saying and isn’t it really that simple? To be kind to one another to whomever we meet along the way. A simple act of kindness can change a person’s life in an insurmountable way, so why is it so very difficult for some?

I don’t always get it right in fact there have been times in my life where I have been unkind, maybe not intentionally but still I have acted out of fear and frustration which has caused another to feel sad or some kind of pain.

For that behaviour, I am truly sorry.

I do believe that behaviour is learnt and whatever we are subjected to when we are young children can have a profound effect on our ability to make healthy choices,when we are adults. That being said, laying blame on our past won’t get us very far. It just keeps us in that state of difficulty and quite possibly distress.

My life is where it is today because of the choices that I have made over the years. I can not and will not blame my present dysfunction on the trauma that I experienced as a child. Yes the experience shaped me in so many incredible ways and then I had a choice to take charge of my being, my strengths and my weaknesses-to harness the suffering and difficulty and run full speed ahead with it to create a safe, healthy and joyful life. The drain on my mental health has at times, nearly sent me over the edge and I am not afraid to sat that anymore…

To feel fragile and alone is not joyful for anyone.

When I listen to beautiful emotive music I am able to lose myself and step into a world of creative imagination. Although I still feel sad I am also free without restraint and just for a moment my mind goes some place else. I can feel my body change and express itself in such a gentle way.

In a gentle way, non aggressive, not frustrated, no anger just letting go and all in a few minutes, I can feel the space in between the music and me.

I long to feel gentle and yes I know how strange that may sound but for my entire adult life I have been a fighter, a survivor, the aggressor, the controller everything but gentle. I feel lost behind this huge armour that I wear, ready to do battle to protect myself and the people I care about.

I know that I would allow myself the risk of death in order to save another’s life.

It is who I have become.

I am completely burn’t out and long for the gentleness and warmth my body has to offer me.

The love of self that awaits me, when I choose to be it, will heal the self and offer me a healthy, energetic heart that is full of joy.

Not sure where I am going with this today and just enjoying the expression.

Image result for quotes about music

©All Rights Reserved – The boy in the chip shop 2019-20

It’s Been a While

I haven’t written anything for a few weeks. Maybe I jumped in too soon with turning the page!

I need to write

I want to write.

It’s super important to me.

The minute I stare at the screen, my mind seems to empty out the information that felt important for me to share.

It’s surely playing games with me!

I read through other blogs and remind myself of the inconsistency that I offer. Once again, the lack of motivation I feel, to do the very thing that I love, is zilch…

Is that even a word?

There is still a great deal of conflict within me that easily sabotages my moving forward and it feels like I’m dragging my-self through the darkest of forests without a torch.

That’s interesting!

My – Self

and,

I wonder why I didn’t take a torch?

Maybe it’s just easier to stay in the forest (right now) than move forward towards something much lighter?

I’m repeating more of the same patterns over and over again.

It’s safe.

Uncomfortably safe.

https://www.google.com

©All Rights Reserved – The boy in the chip shop 2019-20

My Mother and the Orange Lady.

My Mother 2019

I hear her sleeping, gasping at the air and check her several times through the night; mouth wide open, face matured, skin anemic.

My Mother is 84 and desperately wants to stay alive and for someone who has such a strong Catholic faith, she is also so afraid to die.

Four weeks ago she had a hip replacement and what a trial it was/is and I have been caring for her in my home, whilst she is convalescing-hence no time to write.

Exhausted

I pick up the pieces of other people’s lives so well normally, but right now I want to run a mile (yet again) and I know that must sound very selfish of me!

After all, how many years was she at my beck and call during my childhood.

It is my duty.

I haven’t really introduced my Mother properly throughout my writing and I wonder why? It just feels difficult to write about her, like I’m pushing against something rather than allowing the words to flow so this is going to be a very short post and maybe in time my words with regards to her, will become easier to write.

Our relationship has always been somewhat tumultuous and as a teenager, I longed for the day that I could leave home at 18 and be free of her parental constraints and pretty much feel the same way now as life has become overwhelming.

She would be devastated if she knew that I felt this way.

For me, there has always been an under current feeling of resentment that I felt, she had for me with regards to the love I shared with my Father. Once, during my teenage years and after his passing, I was trying hard to defend him in an argument and she told me that he was ‘obsessed’ with me and that I really didn’t know what kind of man he truly was…

The hurling of angry remarks about him were both painful and confusing.

My mother was born in Bedford and is the eldest of three siblings whom she practically raised until she turned 16 and life was very hard for them all. The relationship she had with my Grandmother was flawed to say the very least and I can only ever remember meeting her twice before her death in 1995/96 (can’t actually remember the year to be precise). What I do remember though, is seeing her lifeless body in the Chapel of Rest on the morning of her funeral. My Grandmother was a tiny lady and her skin looked very orange due to the fact it was late to view the body and also the undertakers, trying their best to make my Grandmother look more presentable for my Mother and I.

I looked very closely, trying to feel some emotion for a lady that I knew I should feel something for, but there was nothing-just compassion for a woman that once had lived.

My Mother cried.

My Grandmother.

There have been many recollections that she has shared with me over the years that have painted a childhood full of anguish, shame and poverty.

Mum still washes her whites by hand today having been humiliated at school by the Nuns for bringing in a dirty, grey looking hand towel for cookery.

How our past experiences effect our present life?

My parents met on a blind date in Somerset arranged by a mutual friend. At the end of the evening my father declared that he would marry my mother to which she replied, ‘Your mad!’ and sure enough, 6 months later, they were married.

My Beautiful Mum – with all her hopes and dreams in front of her.

© All Rights Reserved – The boy in the chip shop 2019

TRUSTING THE PROCESS

I haven’t written for a few days.

I read on another blog that people aren’t really interested in reading your story unless you are giving them something back and I have been throwing myself the ‘what the fuck am I doing?’ line – (that’s an old pattern)

I’ve given back my entire life.

It has taken me years, literally years to do this and yes, I would be lying if I said I wasn’t looking for any feedback, acknowledgement, healing – of course I am. Isn’t everyone who chooses to open themselves up when writing a personal blog? I have also read numerous times that there is a book in everyone and yes, I want to write a book. Will this be the content? Who know’s… but for me it’s a start in my writing something down even if this get’s lost in a sea of a million other personal, painful life experiences.

I’m writing.

I can offer so much.

I can and will teach other’s how to change their live’s through writing and speaking – it’s my life’s work my purpose for being and right now I am allowing my inner children to speak freely without judgement (from me) for they have been suffocating slowly, for many years.

Blogging is very new to me and I find WordPress quite difficult. I am still learning about tags and categories and some would say that it should be self explanatory but it’s not for me! I know that I also need to learn about copyrights and quoting others – what I can and can’t do.

This is my journey.

I am grateful for this space and I am grateful for anyone who read’s my story so I will ride the waves of not feeling good enough and see where it takes me…

Namaste

To be more childlike, you don't have to give up being an adult. The fully integrated person is capable of being both an adult and a child simultaneously. Recapture the childlike feelings of wide-eyed excitement, spontaneous appreciation, cutting loose, and being full of awe and wonder at this magnificent universe. - Dr Wayne Dyer
Ryde Carnival – Little Red Riding Hood 1972

All Rights Reserved – The boy in the chip shop 2019