Years ago I interviewed a grieving Mother whose adult son had died after a long illness. You could have heard a pin drop in the studio when she so beautifully told the story of their final moment together. The mother had climbed into bed with her son. She could barely hear him, but her head was on his chest. As he took his last breath, he whispered,” Oh Mom, it is all so simple. It’s so simple Mom.” He then closed his eyes and died.
I got chills when I heard that. I realised then, just as it resonates with me now: We allow life to get so complicated-when it’s really so very simple.
From this day forward I resolved to continuously ask myself, How am I making things more difficult than they need to be?
Your answer to that same question is the next step in your path. It’s that simple. Imagine what lies just around the bend.-
The Path Made Clear – Oprah Winfrey
Such a profound and beautiful message for us all.
We allow life to get so complicated at times when really, we are just a moment away from a completely different experience.
Recently, I have taken a much needed break from social media and thought that I would concentrate on my writing and sadly, that didn’t work out as I planned.
I look at the screen and all the wonderful things that are racing around in my mind, seem unable to work their way through to my fingers and on to the page.
It’s happened before and no doubt, it will happen again.
So today I am just touching base with myself, my screen and of course anyone out there who may be reading my blog.
There is a new and overwhelming challenge that my family and I must face together. My hope is that I can use this space to let out the feelings that need to be contained right now, in order to keep a clear head… just for a while.
We are born and at some stage we die and it’s a journey that we all will take.
I wonder now, how difficult the final stage must be or can we allow ourselves to gently relax, just for a while… into the whole magnificent process of a Soul returning home.
Life can be beautifully simple.
I choose to see the beauty within a seemingly dark situation and will honor the lesson for me which I now know is, forgiveness.
Forgiveness on so many levels.
Keep it simple and don’t leave anything unsaid because when we share our truths, healing can happen in such a profound way.
When all is quiet in the morning, I love to hear the gentleness of the falling rain.
When I was a child my Dad wouldn’t allow me to play outside in the rain and I remember, often sitting at my bedroom window watching the other kids on the street, playing freely.
I never crossed him intentionally-the consequences were too high.
(well on the odd occasion when I felt exceedingly brave)
It was another restless night, last night and when that happens, my mind begins to wander, travelling to the most distant memories of my past experiences.
The poem that I wrote for my last daily challenge task which was called Fear, was about an experience I had when I was about 12.
There used to be a cafe in town, a popular hang out for teenagers after school and on Saturday afternoons. Six or seven of us girls, would squeeze ourselves around a table and share plates of chips, covered in heaps of tomato sauce.
Dad wouldn’t allow me to go into town at aged 12 and his over bearing fear of me being taken away, clouded his thinking and increased his control. The pressure from friends about never being allowed to do stuff, wore me down in the end and I took the risk and joined them on the odd occasion.
Joining in, created an intense, internal worry that Dad would somehow, find out and so my teenage adventure was always marred with anxiety and quite stressful.
This particular Saturday, a man came into the cafe and sat at the table next to us. He seemed nice and instigated a conversation, offering us chips and cups of hot chocolate at his expense. He wore a light beige mackintosh coat and had short brown hair. I can remember him smiling and appearing very friendly.
What I didn’t realize in my immaturity, was that he was in the early stages of grooming.
He made us laugh and looking back now, his charisma and flirtatious character was appealing to a group of overly hormonal, teenage girls.
When we left the cafe to walk home, he asked what direction we were walking in and low and behold, he just happened to be going the same way and tagged on to our group.
I can’t remember what we talked about but I do remember that I seemed much more fascinated by him than anyone else did!
I knew better, I’d had it drummed into me from an early age about not talking to strangers. In fact, my Dad was obsessed with the idea of me being taken, which lead to his strict and often overwhelming control of me.
One by one, my friends said their goodbyes and went home until I was the last girl, alone with the stranger.
None of them appeared to be worried about me being on my own with him and just left me.
It was at that point, I realised something was wrong and decided to walk back, the way we came to be sure of more people being around.
Almighty fear set in and I knew that I had to get away. I also knew, that I had to keep walking and talking until I arrived at a safe place in order to make my exit.
One specific thing I do recall him telling me whilst walking back, was that he had to go to the police station everyday at 6 pm to check in and if he didn’t go, he would be in a lot of trouble.
I didn’t understand why?
Alarms bell went off and I felt like I couldn’t breathe-the intensity was overwhelming. I knew that I could’t run yet as he might grab me, so I just kept walking, whilst figuring out what to do.
There was a red telephone box at the end of the main road that leads into town and I decided that the box, would be my queue, to part company.
I can still feel the feeling of fear inside my gut as I write this now and also, have had another aha moment with regards to my running pattern.
In the past, when I have felt so suffocated with my life situation, I’ve wanted to run as far away as humanly possible, to escape the fear of what was happening and this situation, stacked up with all of my other ‘running away’ experiences, has allowed the fear to grow and my running pattern to increase too.
No wonder I’ve always felt like running away…
I felt suffocated in that situation back then, my lungs unable to expand fully restricted with fear and I said politely;
“It was nice meeting you, I have to go home now”-
his tone of voice was stern and he slightly protested my leaving saying that we could talk some more, as that he really liked me.
I started to walk in the direction of home and he was quickly behind me so I picked up my pace and started to run which is when he shouted out;
“Come back you bitch” and began the chase after me.
I literally ran for my life, never stopping until I made it home and praying a gazillion times on route, eventually losing him.
Wet with perspiration and lungs about to burst, I locked the front door behind me and told Mum what had happened (not the whole story of course) just that I had left my friends and had been followed home.
I don’t really recall a reaction and felt like what I had told her, had fallen on deaf ears. I took myself off to my bedroom and waited at the window, hiding behind my net curtain on active surveillance for, I don’t know how long.
Just in case he followed me home.
As a part of my NLP practitioner training some 21 years ago, we learn’t how to use hypnosis as a tool to enable our clients to experience a deeper therapeutic process and during my Master practitioner, my practice strengthened.
It was phenomenal.
I was fascinated about this incredible tool and wanted to learn more in depth skills so on my return from the USA, I attended further training in London.
My colleagues and I lodged in a guest house local to the training centre and the whole experience at the house, was bizarre from start to finish.
On arrival, the owner of the house greeted us in such a welcoming and uplifting manner, almost completely over the top, like we were her long lost family.
She wore a navy blue jumper which appeared to have food stains down the front and a long denim skirt. As it was late in the evening, she showed us to our rooms and retired to her private dwellings.
My colleagues, who were also a couple, stayed in the downstairs double room occupancy which had a conservatory attached to it. I had a small room on the first floor, upstairs.
There were four male constructions workers staying in the two rooms adjacent to my room and we shared a bathroom, situated on the landing outside.
I had no lock on my door and the fear once again, felt almost unbearable so I propped a chair up against the door, jamming the handle so that nobody could enter my room.
I was now 30.
My bed was unclean, covered in hair and it was obvious that it had been slept in. I was too afraid to leave my room to complain and ask for clean bedding, so spread my towel out over the pillows and the top part of the sheet and attempted to go to sleep.
I hardly slept at all.
The next morning I went downstairs for breakfast and was greeted by my colleagues in the dining room. The owner appeared to take our order for breakfast and was dressed in the exact same clothes with what looked like an extra egg stain on her jumper.
During breakfast I mentioned to the others about the state of my bed and in a round about way they suggested that I was going over the top and it was only for a few days so to let it go and not make a fuss.
I didn’t mention the chair.
Everyday was the same. The lady would open the door for us when we arrived back after our day’s training, wearing the exact same dirty clothes and then every morning when we came down for breakfast.
It was the same for the entirety of our stay.
She appeared to be in some sort of stranded animation.
On the very last morning of the training, whilst waiting for the others to get ready to leave, I sat in the conservatory with my ear phones in, listening to music. When I closed my eyes and almost immediately, I had the most vividvisual experience of being chased by a man. My body felt heavy, stuck to the chair that I was sitting in and the film played out in my mind.
I was terrified, running through the woods near my childhood home and was being chased by a man.
He was catching up with me very quickly and I just couldn’t out run him.
The man grabbed my left shoulder and I stopped.
For what seemed like forever I couldn’t turn around and look at him because I was so friegthened.
And then I turned…
Staring back at me was my Dad, having grown a beard, looking fresh and healthy with bright blue eyes. He was wearing a burgundy scarf and smart grey heavy overcoat.
He threw is arms around me and held me.
In that moment I stopped running, just for a while, for at least the time I had with him, in my minds eye, for him to love me and hold me, to let me know that he was with me and I needn’t be afraid anymore.
Sometimes in life we let fear lead us down a path of terrible self sacrifice andemotional punishment that really messes with our whole being. We choose situations in life, unconsciously, to get in touch with that same pain, to remind us in some sort of way, that we aren’t good enough, or not strong enough, not worthy enough and so on…
But you know what?-it really doesn’t have to be that way, you can do things differently and choose a different path. My guess is for me, that there have been a million and one times over the years where my Dad has reached out to me or been very near and my grief has closed me down.
I believe that life goes on, maybe in a different form but I can not and will not accept that we end, when our body dies.
For me that’s an impossible concept.
For me our Soul never dies we just change form.
I know that Dad would have learn’t lessons from his experience here in this life time and I also believe that he would be so very sorry for his actions. My hope is that us, his siblings will learn our necessary lessons too.
After all… all of the pain on all levels, has to mean something surely?
We are all living in extremely challenging times right now and change is occurring daily.
I wrote a long post last week which needed editing a little and has been waiting patiently in my draft section to be brought to life-only what I wrote, seems terribly insignificant now.
What do we write about in such uncertain times?
I know that their are millions of people feeling overwhelming panic and fear right now and I believe that we can also find ways to uplift and inspire others to learn new ways of getting through this experience that we are being presented with?
For me personally, I can honestly say that I feel like I have beenwoken up from along and arduous sleep.
My beliefs and values are going to be different from yours and that’s great because the world would be an incredibly uninteresting place to be living in if we all thought exactly the same way.
I love that we have a space like this to be free with our expression of life.
Covid-19 is waking us up as a human race.
Look what’s happening around you…
If you look at the spaces in-between suffering and pain you will notice so many beautiful things;
The list goes on…
Our planet was in a terrible, unhealthy place three weeks ago and dying at an increasing rate. Scientists have recorded insurmountable healing growth because of LOCK-DOWN.
All the arguing over Brexit is old news and seemingly insignificant.
There is no division between race.
We are all equal.- especially in our time of collective need.
Money has no value, not in the grand scheme of things.
And so on…
I send love out to the world for all of the loss that families are experiencing.
I send strength, support and eternal gratitude out to our medical staff who are at the forefront of this turmoil.
I want you to know that this is your time to be free with who you are and welcome the extraordinary opportunity that is being presented to you now.
Wake up and live…
If your life is not working the way you want it to work then utilise this time to change it.
Learn something new online, there are so many free courses.
It’s 1.54am in the morning and I have been lying here for the past two hours unable to sleep and thought I would write about my eventful day yesterday.
I was booked in for a Hysteroscopy and arrived at the day surgery ward at 11.10am feeling fairly relaxed and ready to get it over with. The booking in clerk told me that I was last on the list and added that it was going to be a long afternoon’s wait.
Armed with 3 second hand Hellomagazines and an iphone, I was directed to my designated cubicle for the duration.
And what a long day it was…
Three nurses along with a healthcare assistant ran the show absolutely rushed off their feet all day long. Different uniformed people flowed in and out of the ward but the nurses (and their voices) were the faces that became familiar throughout the day.
The first check I had was the normal blood pressure, temperature, questions etc and of course the‘tagging’ to make sure they operate on the right person and the right bit of my body!
This nurse started her shift at 6.45am.
An hour or so later and 3 magazines done (I only like the pictures) the Anesthetist came and had a chat. Throughout the conversation and the legal warnings that have to be said, he constantly held the cheekiest smile upon his face. It seems that any given moment he could have burst out laughing which in turn made me smile and banter along with him.
I signed his consent form.
Next came the Gynecologist who wasn’t the consultant named on my admittance form and with him two trainee doctors. He was tall and slim with a wispy grey moustache wearing all beige. My friend katie and I have a long standing joke between us that whilst she chooses vibrant exciting colours, I go for, and in her very own words ‘beige dear‘ time and time again. It always makes us laugh so I figured that was a good sign.
I signed his consent form too.
It wasn’t too long after the beige man’s visit that the young trainee doctor returned with a request. He asked if it would be okay to examine me?
“What right now?”
His face coloured a little red and he replied with a;
“No! I mean when you are in the operating theatre.”
I asked him why and he explained that after the Gynecologist had completed his task, he would like to take a look too and that it would help him to learn. The young man looked around the age of 19 I’m not kidding and I proceeded to ask him what year of learning he was currently in and he replied year 4.
Anything in the form of education is a must from my belief so I agreed and signed yet another consent form.
One by one the patients on the list were taken away. It used to be that you would undress in your cubicle, put your theatre gown on and hop up on to the wheeled bed.
Oh how things have changed…
With an aching back and numb bum through all of the sitting around, my time finally came.
Yet again, more of the same questions just to treble check and then a lovey nurse led me down to the theatre by foot; porter and trolley in hot persuit behind us.
After stripping off and gowning up I was then allowed to get on to my bed and was pushed in to see the happy anesthetist.
At this point, I stop smiling and so did he – things aren’t so funny anymore!
I look away as he attempts his first cannula in my right hand;
“Sharp scratch” he says, “nothing to worry about” and then, “oh no its ruptured.”
The anesthetist has another go in my right arm and the flow of fluid is incorrect, so it has to be taken out. His third attempt is in my left hand and after much banging and squeezing and the use of a tourniquet, fails.
At this point my legs had started to shake uncontrolably and I was freezing cold.
The not so smiley anesthetist begins his fourth attempt when the theatre nurse politely reminds him that he is not allowed to try again as he fumbles at my arm suggesting it will be fine and we all need to calm down.
Protocol is three attempts and then call for a consultant anesthetist.
Another one is called and my whole body is now shaking.
I started to breathe deeply trying desperately to calm myself down because at this point I was super anxious about what was happening. My body seemed to be disconnected from my mind for a period of time as I struggled to control the shaking even though I knew that it was totally possible to get myself in to a relaxed state.
I just couldn’t calm down. My old familiar friend fear, took over…
Two more people arrived in the tiny room so that made six altogether. They were talking amoungst themselves about the problem and how they were going to manage me.
“Her veins are very weak,” was one comment, we could try…. and at that point the shaking at risen to my whole face with my teeth unable to keep up with the rythym of the rest of my body. They tried to keep me warm by laying a warm blanket over my feet.
Just my feet if I may add and it appeared heavy and uncomfortable so I asked them to remove it.
Did they forget about the rest of my body?
The Consultant Anesthetist spoke very calmly and whilst rubbing my right arm. He stated that everybody in the room needed to calm down especially me and at that it was all fine, he will get the cannula in no problem.
At this point I was ready to run.
Remember! I am a runner it’s my normal pattern of trying to escape – I couldn’t run anywhere I just had to stay and face to onset of massive fear. I prayed silently in my head yet again and hoped that someone was on call to help me and I attempted to surrender the fear over to anyone who was willing to take it from me; God, Dad even Alan.
Was anybody on call that day?
This smooth dark skinned, soft speaking anesthetist had three goes and this time in my left arm twice, with his last attempt in my left foot (the nurse told me that this one would sting a little more than the others).
Really!!! Do you think?
And what a surprise, none of the cannula’s were successful.
This man suggested that the ONLY other way of getting the cannula is was to insert it into my NECK to which I told him directly NO WAY you are not touching my neck.
At this point my vocal chords had kicked in. I told them all that I believed that everything happens for a reason and maybe the reason was that I wasn’t mean’t to have this operation at this point in time. The anesthetist replied with; “that’s a great way at looking at things,” – Oh please…
I also told them that I was freezing and that fact wasn’t helping me as my whole boy shook in front of them.
A few suggestions were made with a few other’s in disagreement and I said loudly that if they can’t do it the normal way then I was leaving and they could wheel me back to the ward.
So in comes the number 3 consultant anesthetist (not sure whether his title should have capital letter’s or not?) because at this stage I was losing the will to live… get me outta here! He brought with him another Dr, male nurse or even another ANESTHETIST – who bloody knows who the extra male person is at this point because I didn’t, he wasn’t introduced.
That makes 8 medical’s in the room now.
This man was stockier than the others and had a bald head. He said in a competent loud foreign accent; “Hello there, whats all this fuss about then?”
I politely told him that this was the last attempt (number 7) that any one of them was going to have, as they clearly can not sort the problem out and I’d had enough. He agreed with me and asked if it was okay to try just one more time?
Holding back the tears, I agreed.
The man who came in with him, held my right arm very tightly in a downward direction whilst the anesthetist put his glasses on. I gasped a sigh of relief due to the fact that he was the only one wearing glasses and told the the audience of medical staff and they all laughed.
Glad I could oblige.
He used an Ultra Scan machine to try and find an appropriate vein.
“Ahh!” he said, “a big beautiful vein” and the man who came in with him tied a tournaquet around the arm and the bald headed anesthetist pushed the cannula in with success.
You see! (literally) It was all about the glasses…
I was in that little room for about 45 minutes before they were able to sedate me and after the operation, my eyes were already in tears before I opened them in recovery.
Bless the male nurse who looked after me in the recovery room who confirmed that I’d had a rough time in there… and that it was all over now. He gave me a sip of water and a mouthful of Oramorph.
After what seemed about only ten minutes, I was wheeled back to where my day had begun and given two bits of dry toast on a plate with some butter and a knife.
Looking back now, I am sure that if they had just placed the warm blanket on my arm for a while a nice vein would have been ready for the impending cannula. When my father in-law was going through his chemo treatment the nurse always warmed his arm first because she found it difficult to get the cannula in so the warming up process served a great purpose.
I wonder if any lessons weren’t learn’t that day by the medical staff?
Maybe they all need to get there eyes tested might be one of them?
The nurse that booked me in, in the morning was the same nurse that signed me out in the evening and at that point her shift was 13.5 hours long.
The force that stormed through the door was untamed.
He was a mad man.
The man I loved unconditionally and yet feared unlike any other human being alive, arrived with the big black case in hand.
Remember the case?
I froze – engulfed in terror, my mother a couple of feet behind me and to be specific, she stood in the right hand corner at the back of the front room.
I was her shield.
Like it was okay?
The dog was going crazy, barking in a frenzy of confusion running in all directions. He was my father’s dog and very much loved.
The mad man – hair messed, face contorted, eyes wide with RAGE started bellowing at my mother and the only thing I remember is;
“I’m going to kill you.”
and he hurled the big black hard sided case with such force, across the room at Her and as she threw herself out of the way, her screams of begging and pleading went un-noticed by any person outside.
It was a near miss.
Smashing against the wall.
The dreadful volume of noise – shouting – screaming – crying – barking – it was utter chaos.
I can still hear the hysterical cries from her and the fury filled shouting from him – I began pleading with him, begging him to stop, telling him I was scared, using his love for me to try and persuade him to calm down;
“If you love me Dad then please, please stop!”
I was in my very own nightmare and needed help. I couldn’t get him to stop and physically I didn’t have the strength to hold on for much longer. The situation escalated as he kicked the dog out the way and started to push me back and walk in her direction so I threw my arms around him, hugging him, telling him I loved him, sobbing; my feet slipping on the carpet as I pushed back as much as I could.
I tried I really tried hard; I pushed back
and prayed frantically, with speed, in my head to a God that I believed was there.
He was there, wasn’t he?
Then something changed – slowly, he began to calm down and as I held on to him for dear life, he demanded to know where his drugs were. My mother told him as he prized my arms from around him and walked out of the room.
I prayed every day as a child.
For my father –
What is this love this powerful force This energy of love Can strip the volatile naked to reveal a truth not often seen Rage can hide behind love and fear behind the rage Fear is the truth that rage will not speak Love is the gentle dance to heal a broken heart
My daughter was invited last minute, to a sleepover last night.
Driving home after drop off, I could feel the anxiety slowly building inside. Just the thought of staying on my own in the house all night long was enough to set an old, out of date, pattern off – Full swing.
I pulled the blinds and shut the curtains in the whole house; the evening was still so bright.
I shut the doors to the bedrooms, dining room and kitchen leaving a space that felt enclosed and safe.
I live in a bungalow.
I turned the light’s on in the hallway, bathroom, kitchen, dining room, lounge and my bedroom.
They remained on all night.
Unable to open the windows for air, the heat from the summer evening was unbearable so I stripped off naked and stayed that way until 2.55 am having watched 6 parts of “Thirteen Reasons Why.”
Sleep was not an option until I could no longer keep my eyes open.
When I was a child I can remember going through a stage of being very frightened to go to sleep in the dark. My father was strict and there was a ‘no nonsense‘ rule at bedtime“or else!” – after saying our prayers I would wrap myself up in my thick yellow eiderdown, leaving a tiny whole to breathe.
Then I would pray some more.
please forgive me for the sins that I have committed please keep Mummy Daddy Paul and Ashley safe don't let anything happen to them please take this itching down below away thank you
I had the most horrendous internal irritation when I was small. It seems like I endured it for a very long time. I tried with every effort to describe it to my Mother and the Doctor and being so little, neither seemed to understand it or me.
That prayer was recited for many years, well into adulthood. I literally could not; not say it, just incase!
My Mother worked at a local factory five nights a week for 10 years.
I was 3 years old when she started.
All Rights Reserved – The boy in the chip shop 2019
My mother and I were sat watching the televison when there was a loud hammering on the door.
As a small child, Saturday was my favourite day of the week . After doing the weekly shop, we would go to Woolworths and buy a big bag of sweets to devour whilst watching tv. I can remember so clearly, standing on tip toes to reach up to the carousel of pick a mix, foraging for the toffees with the curly white centre’s and throwing back the ones that didn’t fit the necessary criteria.
Mum was oblivious to the fact that I was stealing and I would pop them in my pocket for later. Lord only knows (a term she often used) what my father would have done if he had caught me stealing!
Years later, Saturday’s were no longer my favourite days.
The hammering came from our neighbour who so graciously accepted the role of emergency contact. She relayed an urgent message from the hospital.
And boy!! Was it an emergency?(well for us it was.)
The nurse on duty had called to warn my mother that my father had discharged himself and was on his way home and said that he was in an highly agitated state.
NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) teaches us about states.
The drugs had created a ‘come down’ reaction and his addiction was pushing his body for more.
There was more at home…
He walked the nearby streets in his dressing gown and slippers, carrying a large old black rectangle suitcase-the kind where if you pushed the side in causing a slight dent, then the dent could easily be pushed back out from the inside. I’m not quite sure the relevance of writing that part-maybe the case with a story attached, may have found its way into someone’s vintage collection by now.
I remember his dressing gown, burgundy and grey checked with a tassled ended belt and I wonder now, what passers by would have possibly thought?
We were absolutely terrified, waiting for the grenade to go off and feeling paralysed, unable to run.
UNABLE TO RUN… I’ve always been a runner!
The fear was so intense that there isn’t a word in my vocabulary to describe what I was feeling.
My mother hid his drugs and we waited.
All Rights Reserved – The boy in the chip shop 2019
“If you don’t transform your suffering, I will always say, with 100 percent certitude, you will transmit your suffering to your family, your neighbours, even to your country”
Father Richard Rohr
My children have suffered.
Its a long chain reaction that is passed on down through the generations until the pattern is broken. Will my children pass on to their children the pain that they may have learn’t to carry from me? At times I wish for silence in my thinking this way, as an abundance of knowledge has lead to punishing thoughts/feelings and I really can’t deny my truth in all of this.
I have created suffering too.
Growing up in such an aggressive, volatile environment gives way to certain learn’t behaviour’s that often show up in my life. Different parts of my being are still angry, frustrated and sad-I struggle to accept these parts and also know and understand that the unaccepted self, can create even more of an unbalanced life.
The truth is I can change as we all can, choice exists for you and for me. So with knowing that… what stops us changing?
Returning to a place that is so uncomfortable… is comfortable. Its a place that we know, a place to reconnect with ourselves, a safe place, uncomfortably safe. It can be painful, yet in the midst of that pain, a deeper sense of knowing our truth, can reveal itself if we allow it. It is when that line is crossed and the need to control takes over that more suffering can occur.
I have crossed this line many times and the truth is, I have inflicted my own overwhelming pain on to my beautiful babies.
I have tried to control just as my parents tried to control me.
My children have rebelled against my inability to let go of the repetetive patterns that I so brutally learn’t and have stood up for their rights to be independent of my wrath. They, as their own people truly deserve better from me as their teacher, confidente, Mother.
What I know for sure as Oprah would say –
I would give my life in exchange to save my children.
The Love for my children is insurmountable, they are my absolute everything.
I am honoured and so very grateful to have been given the chance to share in their journey in this life as their Mother.
I am sorry for the pain that I have inflicted and… I am still learning.
This was my victory and my battle. All my demons, all my monsters that I’d been carrying around forever, the light came through and I realised; Oh, your not demons. They’re not monsters. They’re not dragons. I’ve been making them more grandiose than they are. They’re just the orphaned parts of me. They’re just the fearful-est, most terrified parts of me. They are scared to death. And they are throwing temper tantrums because of their fear. And now I have to tell them that it’s going to be okay. And they will all go to sleep. I am the mother of all of these parts of me. At one point I remember in my ascending above them all and saying,
I love you, fear and now go to sleep. I love you anger, you’re part of me. Go to sleep. you’re safe. I love you. I’m not leaving you. You’re part of me, you’re part of the family. You’re never going to be away from me. I love you failure. Come into my heart. Rest. You’re so tired. You’re so scared. You’re just children. You don’t know how the world works. I love you all. I have space for all of you. And together, we’re going to go forward now. – Elizabeth Gilbert
It was Friday the 15th of October 1981. My Father had attended his hospital appointment for a Myelogram; a diagnostic imaging test to look for any problems in the spinal cord, nerve roots and other tissues. A coloured dye is injected into the spinal column before the procedure and then an xray is taken which enables the radiologist to see more clearly, if there is any damage. When the dye is injected directly into the cerebrospinal fluid (CSF) which also surrounds the brain, there can be side effects – risk of a seizure, severe headaches, risk of infection, short term numbness in the legs and a risk of bleeding in the spinal colum.
In the 37 years since his death, I have never researched what a Myelogram is, only now in order to write this.
I just remember the coloured dye bit of the story and the violent aggression.
The local Community Centre held a kids disco every Friday evening and it was a great place to hang out. My Father used to drop me off and pick me up every week, much to the amusement of my friends who were allowed to walk home. He was very strict and often told me that I may be taken away by a stranger, if he didn’t keep me safe.
This Friday felt different…
My father was subdued to begin with after his treatment and I remember him complaining of a headache that was getting worse. I can picture him now, standing in the hallway by the front door. He gave me £1.50 for the disco, put his arms around me and squeezed me tight, told me he loved me and let me walk with my friends.
I can still feel the intense feeling of worry just by thinking about that evening.
The disco came and went and the entire time I was there, the anxiety was growing within me; what I would find on my return home?
He was in bed having taken as many drugs as he could take without killing himself, just to relieve the pain and was in and out of a drugged up state. I sat next to him, feeling so heavy, strained and tired. Why couldn’t he be normal like my friend’s Dad’s. I HATED him being like this, it scared me… The smell of Old Holborn soaked the atmosphere and I swear he could have burnt the house down on many occasion, leaving his rolled up cigarettes smoldering in the ashtray. His wedding ring was on his bedside table and I picked it up and held it in front of him. In a slow and slurred manner he said;
“Your Mother doesn’t love me anymore, you have it – take it!”
Closing his eyes, my father passed out and was snoring in seconds.
That was the beginning of the end.
All Rights Reserved – The boy in the chip shop 2019
I have this vivid memory of me dressed as a pirate standing outside of my parents house just in front of the cast iron black gate. Covering my head is a bright red bandana and I am wearing a little black waistcoat, black trousers tucked into my long white socks and little black school shoes. I think that I was about the age of 6 or 7 years old and it was the day of the local village carnival.
I started dancing lessons at the age of 4.
In between working three jobs at once, my mother made all of the outfits for my ballet shows. She spent hours lovingly hand sewing the little costumes and I still have three of them to this day; a blue Angel costume, a little Dutch girls outfit and a pink tutu. Over the years both of my girls have worn them when playing dressing up and as I think about it now, I’m not sure if I have ever told her how grateful I am for all of the time that she spent making things for me as a child. Dollies clothes, knitted blankets and cardigans, a soft clown with orange hair, cotton sewn purses and a bib and brace dungeree outfit all made by hand.
My mother always worked extremely hard and somehow I feel like I missed out on having her as a wholesome, healthy mum for the majority of my younger days. She lived under a cloud of my fathers depression and illness which prevented her from following her own dreams and passions. As he never worked in the latter years, my mother had to work even harder to make sure she could provide for us all. I wonder how he felt about this and what it did for his own self worth, esteem and beliefs about himself as a man, husband and father? I remember her being so exhausted at times and no matter what was thrown at her, she would soldier on, mustering up the strength, managing, coping, surviving. I think that’s a trait of hers that I’ve learn’t from a very young age; you just have to keep going no matter what… When I look back now it must have been unbearable at times for her living in such an emotionally draining situation. If ever we talk about the past now, she always states quite clearly that leaving my father was never an option and that you made your bed and you lied in it.
My eldest brother refuses to accept the fact that our mother choosing to stay was the right thing to do. He believes that she had a choice and by her staying in such a volatile relationship, my brother suffered the most horrendous abuse and in his words now;
“Because of the old man, my life is fucked.”
I don’t know if she was ever truly happy within her marriage or her life in general and wonder if she just stayed out of fear because she too was terrified of her husband.
My father had threatened suicide several times and my mother picked up the pieces of his desperation time and time again.
I started writing this blog so many times over the past few years (in my head) and now I am finally getting down to putting my thoughts out there into the Universe, albeit it being much slower than I had anticipated. I have allowed FEAR to suffocate many opportunities that have been presented to me throughout my life and the sad thing for me is, that I have dedicated my entire career to helping and supporting people through their own life challenges of trauma, pain, grief etc… and didn’t feel worthy enough to heal my own immense pain that I carried.
I made a decision last year when I turned 50 that I would start living my life on purpose and do all the things that I long to do. I decided that I would live my life coming from a place of being true to myself, being more creative with my writing and poetry, begin public speaking and in general work towards a healthier mind and body.
7 months on and here I am just beginning with the writing bit…
I am writing this blog for me.
I am giving myself a space to be free of the critical restraints that I have so beautifully bound myself up with.
I am giving myself a gift, of loving myself enough, to be okay with being who I am, just as I am and being alive because I am worth it.
So my journey begins with me being as open and authentic as I can be right now. This is the start of something new for me and I am excited and a little nervous too but I know thats okay.