Death can be beautiful

We don’t often talk about the beauty of death because pain and finality takes precedence.

Over the past couple of weeks I’ve felt drained, emotionally and physically. Each day rolls into the next bringing fourth such an array of difficult emotions and to lose someone that I love dearly and in such a short amount of time is just devastating.

No time at all.

Making every day count is essential; oh… how I get that now! Experience all that you want to experience and truly know the absolute joy of being alive.

MISTYSANSOM.COM

The hospice nurse explained that we would notice changes in his breathing, reminding us that he could hear us and that it was all okay, as she softly touched Bro on his shoulder.

It was okay-dying was okay-do not be afraid.

We asked if more morphine could be administered due to him appearing agitated as one arm would lift and drop to the bed, then the other, he would moan and slightly move his head. This happened several times.

Was he trying to communicate with us?

What did I miss?

Why didn’t I know and understand more after everything I had learn’t and read over the years?

Realizing now, the level of high expectation I always put on myself.

My mind constantly chatted to him, telling him things that I felt, he needed to hear and things that needed to be said between us.

A mutual forgiveness!

It was surreal, like a movie scene playing with us in it, but not of it-if that makes any sense?

Nothing seems to make much sense right now as the words fall from my mind and my fingers tap each letter on the keyboard.

I’ll just keep typing.

Bro in the hospital before going to the hospice.

We wanted him to feel calm, pain free and safe.

Can you even feel safe when you are dying?

Was God with him?

At some point Mum laid his over sized silver and blue crucifix under his right hand and the Reverend said that God was near by, calling him home.

Was he?

Morphine was given three times throughout the night, which I think I instigated, by sharing my thoughts with the others. I’m proud of the way we remained courteous to each other with regards to Bro on those occasions when making the decision to call the administering nurse, back into the room.

It was a time to tune into my internal all knowing, in order to do the right thing for Bro and I guess it’s something that could weigh heavily on my mind, if I allowed it to.

Mum broke down at one point and felt like she was murdering him by asking them to feed the driver with a stronger dosage and I had to reassure her several times that it was the best thing for him in order for to feel comfortable.

Just heartbreaking for her and for us too-poor Bro bless him, he probably wanted us all to bugger off and stop being so dam miserable.

His son, slept in the recliner for a couple of hours in the early part of the morning and that’s something I struggled with! Wouldn’t you want to spend every lasting second with the man that raised you knowing you’d never see him again?

His father.

My step father for 27 years.

A judgement on my behalf I know and I choose to keep that judgement right now as for the past two years, his son had written him out of his life and wasn’t interested at all.

The judgement will pass in time.

I knew that I couldn’t close my eyes and wouldn’t, no matter how exhausted I was. I had to honor his last breath and acknowledge this man as he returned to a place where he believed was home.

A return to love.

The nurse had told us that once we hear the rasp in his breathing, then it wouldn’t be long before he would pass and waiting for that rasp, was both unbearable and necessary.

How I wanted to hear that rasp, so he would finally be free and selfishly, the waiting was taking it’s toll.

Bro was diagnosed on the 29th of July, without his family to support him, sunk into a lonely depression.

He was so very afraid and COVID rules mean’t no visiting.

Day by day, Bro struggled to pay for the hospital television and phone system with his debit card with not being tech savvy at all. His calls were in short bursts with lots of tears, cutting off quickly mid sentence.

We couldn’t make head nor tail of what he was trying to say but tried hard to reassure him. It was an impossible situation which was horrendous for him and for us too, hearing his sobs, pleading with us to get him out of there.

I called his hospital bed phone daily-over and over again and couldn’t get through.

I called the ward several times and no one picked up the phone.

I called the elderly social work team several times desperate for help, complaining about the lack of communication. The first social worker who mum and I met, was only on call that weekend and when I tried to get through to her, she had gone on leave. The new one, promised she would call me back that afternoon after a meeting with regards to Bro.

She didn’t call back.

And so on… there’s so much more to say about the lack of, but right now in this very moment, there isn’t much point so maybe another day and another post.

https://www.quotemaster.org/job+frustration

The early morning came and I could see the distinct changes in his face and to me, he looked beautiful almost angelic. His skin was so very soft to touch as I gently stroked his hair across his forehead in the same way that I’d done for hours on and off.

As he breathed, his cheeks sucked in almost like a fish in the open air and it wasn’t labored like I imagined, it was gentle and quiet-just a small rasping sound, seemingly like he would stop at any moment and then another breath would come.

His son and wife stood up now and came close to the left of Bro, as if ready for a standing ovation, without the clapping part of course and Mum sat quietly weeping, holding his hand on his right side. My position was near his head side and his face was tilted our way. I felt it important to give his son the choice of changing places with me.

He declined, for which I am so grateful.

I kissed Bro’s hand and told him that the sun was shining, that I would meet him in his beautiful garden.

I told him that that he was free now, no more pain, struggle, crutches, hospitals nothing-just a free man to feel joy like he had never felt before.

I told him Banjo, his much loved dog who passed some time ago, was waiting for him and oh… what an amazing time they were going to have together.

I spoke to him in my mind and asked him;

“What are you holding on for Bro?”

and then it just came to me, as clear as day-as if he answered straight away!

“He’s telling me it’s too noisy!”

Bro had complained several times about the noise on the hospital ward and his inability to sleep.

The radio had been playing since he arrived at the hospice and the nurses must have put it on because it wasn’t something we had requested or did ourselves. It played quietly in the background. The oxygen machine was loud and as the nurse had said earlier in the evening that it wasn’t really helping him at this stage, so we agreed to have it turned off.

The space became instantly quiet and so very peaceful.

Quite profound.

We opened the doors and with the early morning sun, Bro took his last breath.

It was five minutes from turning all the noise off.

There were no tears for me just a feeling of absolute peace and such a deep connection to his spirit. Bro taught me so many lessons right up until he passed and left his body. And that is exactly what he did… he left his heavy weighted, shell of a body behind and walked free. This has been my belief for as long as I was able to understand about life and death but now I have seen it with my own eyes and finally, I understand the lesson in all it’s entirety-it really is just a body and his body was an extremely painful body, a vessel to experience all the things that Bro needed to experience on his journey of life.

It happened the way it was always going to happen, the way it was mean’t to be.

We experienced forgiveness together at the highest level on both our parts.

We experienced love and a profound connection.

We experienced healing together and for that I will always be grateful.

Bro

Death can be beautiful if we allow the fear to fall away and remain present to all that is happening around us.

Death can be beautiful and allow you to see things more clearly when they seem so confusing.

Death was peaceful, graceful and beautiful.

I am honored Bro.

Thank you.

©All Rights Reserved – The boy in the chip shop 2019-20

Whispers

Your life is always speaking to you. It speaks in whispers, guiding you to your next right step. And in many situations, the whisper is also the first warning. It’s a quiet nudge from deep within saying, Hmm, something feels off. A small voice that tells you, This is no longer your place of belonging. It’s the pit in your stomach, or the pause before you speak, the goose bumps that raise the hairs on the back of your neck. Whatever form the whisper takes, it’s not a coincidence. Your life is trying to tell you something. Heeding these signs can open the doors to your personal evolution, pushing you toward your life’s purpose. Ignoring them-sleepwalking through your life is an invitation to chaos.

Oprah Winfrey

What have you settled for in life?

What dreams have you let go of in order to accept mediocre?

What is life trying to tell you?

I’ve spent years living in chaos and now I’m beginning to listen.

Are you ready-ready to hear the whispers?

Bembridge Downs-Isle Of Wight 2020

May the sun rise in your heart each waking morning and you know fully, what it means, to be alive.

©All Rights Reserved – The boy in the chip shop 2019-20

Third Time Lucky

The sky is grey this evening and vastly different from the hot summers day that graced us yesterday.

Wildlife is bountiful, although seemingly hiding a little today.

A rat, rather a handsome fellow (or maybe a lady) braves the garden early in the evening, running at speed from one side to the other, stopping briefly for cover in a small hedge.

I wonder where he’s going?

Last evening, I spotted him on what may have been his first attempt of the day to run the gauntlet and having spooked him, he turned back around super fast and scurried back the same way he came.

A few minutes later and on his second attempt, he made haste across the grass only to be spooked yet again by my husband walking out of the back door.

He promptly turned around and darted for the safety of the hedgerow.

Third time lucky and another few minutes later, he set off again with gust and determination, bypassing the safety place, running directly to his destination.

I smiled inside and sent him a virtual high five, for not giving up.

Has there ever been a time in your life when you’ve attempted to do something many times and even though there may have been difficulties along the way, you pushed through and made it to the other side?

If you have, then acknowledge yourself for doing a great job because you now have an internal pattern for success. Your mind knows how to do it, how to push through adversity, how to achieve the very thing that you desire.

You’ve just got to keep going, keep moving forward and you can apply this strategy to any area of your life, no matter how big or small the situation is!

I’ve fallen by the wayside many times in the past having used the self sabotage pattern to undermine my own success, as success (the kind of level that I believe I can achieve) means giving so much more of myself and that still scares me somewhat…

I have never ever let go of my dreams, just pushed them to the back of somewhere and I’m okay with that because it has enabled me to walk a necessary path.

Let’s face it… I don’t actually know how many attempts the rat made to get to where he wanted to be and what I know for sure is, that he made it to the other side.

Let’s meet each other on the other side of the hedgerow with gust and determination, bypassing that safety ‘comfort zone’ place arriving at our destination.

(and of course, I’m not suggesting that you are anything like a rat )

©All Rights Reserved – The boy in the chip shop 2019-20

You Belong – You Are Beautiful

Day 73 of this way of living in a different space and as we welcome the arrival of the month of June, let’s remind ourselves that this day marks a brand new beginning, full of opportunity, possibility and even deeper connection.

It’s been a long and interesting journey for me both personally and also for my clients who have not only had the courage to honor themselves with their commitment to change but also to embrace the whole online process.

I am truly grateful.

For me personally, it’s been a time to re-charge, reflect, trust and just allow life to unfold naturally without limitations.

What about you?

Have you had any life shifts, wake up calls, learning’s?

So much has changed, on so many levels and I wonder if you have noticed the profound underlying messages that you have been called to respond to within your life, in light of the recent events?

I sat in the garden with my dear friend yesterday (socially distancing) and we found ourselves deep in discussion about us as women, why we are here, how we have prevented ourselves from reaching our potential and how we have both self sabotaged for years.

Our conversations always go that extra mile, a little deeper each time, leaning into the power of now and an all knowing powerful force that surrounds us, offering the opportunity to grow and evolve.

So often we have blatantly ignored the message even though we accept that its there, right for the taking and we’ve run in the opposite direction, afraid of our own success.

Fear will eat you alive if you allow it.

I have always been fascinated by the mind-body connection and how we show up in this world at any given time. I don’t ever see black and white, I see an array of color that maybe you are unable to see right now, when it comes to who you are and what’s possible for you.

I believe in you, what ever your past looks like, how ever you show up right now in life. You are so important and maybe nobody has told you that lately but you are.

You have a purpose just like me and every other living thing on this planet.

We are here to improve the state of the world and to have the courage to move through fear and ask for what we want.

Did you hear that?

What you want… not what other people want for you, or think of you or expect of you.

Fight for yourself you are worth it.

You are alive.

You are beautiful.

Don’t conform… be you.

So start now, right where you are.

Acknowledge your past-yes it happened, it really did and there is no denying that, but understand this, it happened for you, not to you. You may be reading that statement and think what a crock of shit… and yes, it took time for me to really understand that concept and embrace the idea. I now understand it and know so very deeply that the pain I went through as a child happened for me to grow to learn, to love more deeply and for me to be able to show others the way out of that sometimes overwhelming and dark place.

I’ve been there… this isn’t text book stuff this is real life.

I also know that I have written this somewhere before in my blog and this is what came up for me to write this morning. I’m trusting my gut that someone out there who reads this today, needs to hear it so if I am sounding like a broken record, then so be it.

YOU CAN CHANGE AND LIFE CAN BE WHAT YOU WANT IT TO BE – but you have to take action, do something about it.

If you want something, then step aside from all of that painful past and surrender to new ideas and new beliefs about what is always and in all ways… ready and waiting for you

Pay attention to the signs all around because you will only learn, when you pay attention.

Draw that line _____________________________________

It’s done…

Its a new day and I am so grateful that you and I are both here to Grace this world with us being who we are, just as we are, a delight, an expression, a gift to be unravelled one day at a time.

Lets not waste it.

And to you my dear friend, there’s still time x

Namaste

 ©All Rights Reserved – The boy in the chip shop 2019-20

‘Aha’

I can’t help but believe that this current world pandemic had to happen in order for the world collectively, to learn so many lessons.

Saying that, does not in any way dismiss the pain that hundreds and thousands of families are going through right now. That is never my intention.

My heart goes out to all of the victims of this terrible virus.

If I take my own personal life situation as it was two and a half weeks ago, before we went into lock down, it pretty much was a mess.

From the outside, I may have portrayed that everything was okay, planning my new life in France, seemingly getting excited at the prospect of what was to come, yet on the inside, it was all so very different. The truth of the matter is, I’ve been playing out my age old pattern of running and this time, to my brother in France.

He will always offer me a safe place.

I was completely overwhelmed.

I had pushed myself mentally to the brink of very nearly no return.

Physically, my body was in pain.

Financially, I was being squeezed in every direction.

My poor husband, bless him, was so unhappy having to go away every week to work in a physically demanding construction job, just to make ends meet.

At 54, its a young mans job.

I felt like my world was falling apart around me and I was holding on for dear life.

Today… none of that matters in fact, we are at an incredible turning point in our lives and are so very grateful for our ‘mess’ to be able to wake up to what’s important.

I couldn’t see it clearly before lock down, even though I knew it, on some deep level of my being and now, we both feel incredibly peaceful and it’s quite bizarre.

Both of us have spent years punishing ourselves for the financial situation we created and dragging our kids through it too. We bought and sold a few houses when our children were young, trying to climb the ladder of ‘you always want more’ until one day it all went bang-the recession hit and we were offered a financial way out-we took it.

It was the wrong way (or was it?). If only we’d gone in another direction, life could have been so very different!

Hindsight is a beautiful thing.

There is always choice.

There will always been lessons.

We have spent years trudging through our own self developed shit storm and lived and breathed failure.

And… I had the skills to change our situation right?

We all have the resources inside of ourselves to make the necessary changes that we desire. We really do and yet somehow we chose a difficult path for lessons that still needed to be learn’t.

I can remember times when I would empty my purse out on the table and with the meager amount of coins in front of me, I would have to make a decision whether to buy bread or milk because I didn’t have enough for both.

And yet I would see clients and charge them a small fee or nothing at all if they really couldn’t afford to pay me because they needed my help and that was the right thing to do?

I rescue people.

My close friends knew we were struggling and I’m sure became fed up with the same old excuses that I would give;

”Sorry we won’t be able make it tonight, I can’t really justify spending money when we are trying to be careful.”

”I don’t feel too great so I’m going to give it a miss tonight, maybe next time..”

”You won’t even miss me being there, have fun”

”I don’t do going out anymore, its really not my thing!”

”I can’t afford it.”

and eventually, they stopped asking us out!!

I have lived with feeling ashamed for as far back as I can remember in one way or another and I wonder now, whose shame I learn’t to carry from a very early age?

http://www.google.com

You are all capable of change.

Where ever you are in your life right now this Covid-19 experience has actually opened a space in your time, to take time to re-evaluate;

What’s really important for you?

What does life look like for you right now?

Are you living the kind of life that you want to be living?

Are you happy?

Do you feel fulfilled?

Are you healthy?

What do you desire most?

What changes can you make right now that will change the direction of your life?

I will repeat this statement again;

YOU ARE A GIFT TO THIS WORLD so stop looking on the outside for self validation.

Everything you need is already within you.

joshloe.com

I’ve spent years waiting for that Oprah Winfrey ‘aha moment’ which is a moment of sudden inspiration, insight, recognition or comprehension. It’s when things happen to make you look at life in a completely different way.

I think I got my ‘aha‘!

I believe that Covid-19 is a world ‘aha moment’ from which we all need to make significant changes to heal our planet and ourselves.

I am truly grateful for my own life story for it happened for me to allow personal growth.

Right now today, we are worse off financially that we have ever been because we have been made STOP and stay home and yet we both feel so very blessed to be alive, feel peaceful and are trusting that some how… its all going to be okay.

From my home to yours I send love and light.

Stay at home

Stay safe

Save lives

© Rights Reserved – The boy in the chip shop 2019-20

Extraordinary Opportunity

We are all living in extremely challenging times right now and change is occurring daily.

I wrote a long post last week which needed editing a little and has been waiting patiently in my draft section to be brought to life-only what I wrote, seems terribly insignificant now.

What do we write about in such uncertain times?

I know that their are millions of people feeling overwhelming panic and fear right now and I believe that we can also find ways to uplift and inspire others to learn new ways of getting through this experience that we are being presented with?

For me personally, I can honestly say that I feel like I have been woken up from a long and arduous sleep.

My beliefs and values are going to be different from yours and that’s great because the world would be an incredibly uninteresting place to be living in if we all thought exactly the same way.

I love that we have a space like this to be free with our expression of life.

Covid-19 is waking us up as a human race.

Look what’s happening around you…

Really notice…

If you look at the spaces in-between suffering and pain you will notice so many beautiful things;

Self awareness

People re-connecting

Kindness

Love

Patience

Growth

Significance

Honour

The list goes on…

Our planet was in a terrible, unhealthy place three weeks ago and dying at an increasing rate. Scientists have recorded insurmountable healing growth because of LOCK-DOWN.

All the arguing over Brexit is old news and seemingly insignificant.

There is no division between race.

We are all equal.- especially in our time of collective need.

Money has no value, not in the grand scheme of things.

And so on…

I send love out to the world for all of the loss that families are experiencing.

I send strength, support and eternal gratitude out to our medical staff who are at the forefront of this turmoil.

I want you to know that this is your time to be free with who you are and welcome the extraordinary opportunity that is being presented to you now.

Wake up and live…

If your life is not working the way you want it to work then utilise this time to change it.

Learn something new online, there are so many free courses.

https://www.open.edu/openlearn/free-courses

Re-connect with people that you have distanced yourself from if you really do value them being apart of your life.

Plan something for a future time when this temporary situation changes.

Brian Mayne's Shine | A 3-day mastery programme
https://www.brianmayne.com/goal-mapping/

Exercise and eat well.

This experience has literally made us STOP and TAKE STOCK.

So take your power back

And breathe…

Namaste

Living Now Quotes (43 quotes)
https://www.google.com/

©All Rights Reserved – The boy in the chip shop 2019-20