Morning Thoughts

The sky is grey and familiar.

An elderly couple that live just a few houses away, have opened up part of their home as a bird sanctuary.

The daily rhapsody of birdsong is loud and varied.

Quite magnificent.

The seagulls sing the loudest and they fly many to their colony, arriving early morning for feeding time.

Wood Pigeons, Black birds, Robins, Blue Tits, Starlings, Magpies and on the odd occasion a vibrant Woodpecker have all stopped by on their way to somewhere else.

I wonder where?

To the left of the garden near the window, leans an old broken fence. Early one morning, last summer, I opened the blinds and caught sight of the most stunning and regal looking creature, resting momentarily on the leaning stand.

I believe it was a Sparrow Hawk and what an honour to be in his presence.

A moment of Grace.

Our eyes met for a second and then he was gone, his wings so powerful lifting him, high into the morning sky.

The grass is rich in colour having enjoyed the endless rainfall and the bush in the corner has bloomed with pink flowers.

The gift of nature surrounds us all.

I am going to miss this place.

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 ©All Rights Reserved – The boy in the chip shop 2019-20

My Wall

I stare at this wall 
with crumbling stone
the hard texture stares back at me
I can not see a way through
it seems impossible

A crack appears
a tiny space of light and
if I pull each side
the stone may fall
or at least loosen
It seems a mammoth task
albeit the strength
I think I have
my arms are weak
my body is tired
my mind consumed
I close my eyes

and imagine
a mighty gust
a powerful force
rising up from the earth
and with one fair bash

the wall is loosened

if I dare to dream

the wall may fall

© Al Rights Reserved – The boy in the chip shop 2019

If I Could Be

If I could be
anything but me
I’d be a butterfly
and welcome
the nakedness
of my chrysalis


honoring
re-birth


I crave the gentleness
and serenity
of such an exquisite
creature
so beautifully
enchanting


delighting
my soul


The joyous dance
the fluttering
of life
gracefully

seeking the
silence

a butterfly
I'd be

   ©  All Rights Reserved – The boy in the chip shop 2019

Within The Stillness

There is a space in between
a quiet place
serene
so still.
The stillness is laden with sorrow
and remembering
what was,
the sadness of
what could have been
and the reality of
what is.
Who am I now?
is a question that I ask
on this merry go round of
a fragmented life,
love and
accountability.
Am I lost in the stillness?
Can the sorrow be released?
Am I bold enough to own my beauty
and serve the sorrow with endearment?

Oh how my playing with words
can free this weary mind
for a while
and breathe life
on to my plain paper.

A tenacious Spirit
A reckoning
A joyous moment.

 © All Rights Reserved – The boy in the chip shop 2019

A Beautiful Interruption

Born with the freedom to dream
your innocence was given

in natural gesture
and stolen by a devil’s hand


So damaged was that hand and oblivious
to the mighty force

that left trails
of significant wounds

An inner world so barren
a desolate place to be and
yet in that world no-one
could interrupt

and freedom could prevail
if only fleetingly

My brother and I.

 

©All Rights Reserved – The boy in the chip 2019

Keep living until you are alive

The force that stormed through the door was untamed.

He was a mad man.

The man I loved unconditionally and yet feared unlike any other human being alive, arrived with the big black case in hand.

Remember the case?

I froze – engulfed in terror, my mother a couple of feet behind me and to be specific, she stood in the right hand corner at the back of the front room.

I was her shield.

Like it was okay?

The dog was going crazy, barking in a frenzy of confusion running in all directions. He was my father’s dog and very much loved.

The mad man – hair messed, face contorted, eyes wide with RAGE started bellowing at my mother and the only thing I remember is;

“I’m going to kill you.”

and he hurled the big black hard sided case with such force, across the room at Her and as she threw herself out of the way, her screams of begging and pleading went un-noticed by any person outside.

It was a near miss.

Smashing against the wall.

The dreadful volume of noise – shouting – screaming – crying – barking – it was utter chaos.

I can still hear the hysterical cries from her and the fury filled shouting from him – I began pleading with him, begging him to stop, telling him I was scared, using his love for me to try and persuade him to calm down;

“If you love me Dad then please, please stop!”

I was in my very own nightmare and needed help. I couldn’t get him to stop and physically I didn’t have the strength to hold on for much longer. The situation escalated as he kicked the dog out the way and started to push me back and walk in her direction so I threw my arms around him, hugging him, telling him I loved him, sobbing; my feet slipping on the carpet as I pushed back as much as I could.

I tried I really tried hard; I pushed back

and prayed frantically, with speed, in my head to a God that I believed was there.

He was there, wasn’t he?

Then something changed – slowly, he began to calm down and as I held on to him for dear life, he demanded to know where his drugs were. My mother told him as he prized my arms from around him and walked out of the room.

I prayed every day as a child.

For my father –

What is this love
this powerful force
This energy of love
Can strip the volatile naked
to reveal a truth
not often seen
Rage can hide behind love
and fear behind the rage
Fear is the truth
that rage will not speak
Love is the gentle dance
to heal a broken heart

©All Rights Reserved – The boy in the chip shop 2019

Or else!

My daughter was invited last minute, to a sleepover last night.

Driving home after drop off, I could feel the anxiety slowly building inside. Just the thought of staying on my own in the house all night long was enough to set an old, out of date, pattern off – Full swing.

I pulled the blinds and shut the curtains in the whole house; the evening was still so bright.

I shut the doors to the bedrooms, dining room and kitchen leaving a space that felt enclosed and safe.

I live in a bungalow.

I turned the light’s on in the hallway, bathroom, kitchen, dining room, lounge and my bedroom.

They remained on all night.

Unable to open the windows for air, the heat from the summer evening was unbearable so I stripped off naked and stayed that way until 2.55 am having watched 6 parts of “Thirteen Reasons Why.”

Sleep was not an option until I could no longer keep my eyes open.

When I was a child I can remember going through a stage of being very frightened to go to sleep in the dark. My father was strict and there was a ‘no nonsense rule at bedtime “or else!” – after saying our prayers I would wrap myself up in my thick yellow eiderdown, leaving a tiny whole to breathe.

Then I would pray some more.

Dear Lord

please forgive me for the sins that I have committed
please keep
Mummy Daddy Paul and Ashley safe
don't let anything happen to them
please take this itching down below away
thank you

Amen


I had the most horrendous internal irritation when I was small. It seems like I endured it for a very long time. I tried with every effort to describe it to my Mother and the Doctor and being so little, neither seemed to understand it or me.

That prayer was recited for many years, well into adulthood. I literally could not; not say it, just incase!

My Mother worked at a local factory five nights a week for 10 years.

I was 3 years old when she started.

All Rights Reserved – The boy in the chip shop 2019