One Choice Away

Death is never an easy subject to talk about.

Over the past few weeks the world has seen, felt and experienced loss in an unimaginable way.

In the past few weeks two people known to me, have taken their own lives.

A devastating loss.

Neither were friends of mine but people I said hello to when passing in the street and our commonality was the same high school, growing up in the same town and we are all parents.

Both, were younger than me.

I can’t imagine what they were going through the minutes before they made the decision to follow through.

I can’t imagine what their families are going through right now and especially their children.

My father tried several times to take his life and just knowing that, breaks a little more of my heart each time I allow myself to think about it.

An indescribable pain.

My hope is that wherever they are now, they have found the peace that they so desperately wanted here in this life and for whatever reasons only known to them, were unable to find it.

If you or anybody that you know, are struggling with difficult feelings then please let someone know. Reach out to friends, family or call the free helplines that are available.

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/suicide

http://www.samaritans.org

suicidepreventionlifeline.org

https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/publications/suicide-prevention-wait

My thoughts and prayers are with both of the families.

I am so sorry for your loss.

I wish it was a different story.

 ©All Rights Reserved – The boy in the chip shop 2019-20

Remembering when…

I have this vivid memory of me dressed as a pirate standing outside of my parents house just in front of the cast iron black gate. Covering my head is a bright red bandana and I am wearing a little black waistcoat, black trousers tucked into my long white socks and little black school shoes. I think that I was about the age of 6 or 7 years old and it was the day of the local village carnival.

I started dancing lessons at the age of 4.

In between working three jobs at once, my mother made all of the outfits for my ballet shows. She spent hours lovingly hand sewing the little costumes and I still have three of them to this day; a blue Angel costume, a little Dutch girls outfit and a pink tutu. Over the years both of my girls have worn them when playing dressing up and as I think about it now, I’m not sure if I have ever told her how grateful I am for all of the time that she spent making things for me as a child. Dollies clothes, knitted blankets and cardigans, a soft clown with orange hair, cotton sewn purses and a bib and brace dungeree outfit all made by hand.

My mother always worked extremely hard and somehow I feel like I missed out on having her as a wholesome, healthy mum for the majority of my younger days. She lived under a cloud of my fathers depression and illness which prevented her from following her own dreams and passions. As he never worked in the latter years, my mother had to work even harder to make sure she could provide for us all. I wonder how he felt about this and what it did for his own self worth, esteem and beliefs about himself as a man, husband and father? I remember her being so exhausted at times and no matter what was thrown at her, she would soldier on, mustering up the strength, managing, coping, surviving. I think that’s a trait of hers that I’ve learn’t from a very young age; you just have to keep going no matter what… When I look back now it must have been unbearable at times for her living in such an emotionally draining situation. If ever we talk about the past now, she always states quite clearly that leaving my father was never an option and that you made your bed and you lied in it.

My eldest brother refuses to accept the fact that our mother choosing to stay was the right thing to do. He believes that she had a choice and by her staying in such a volatile relationship, my brother suffered the most horrendous abuse and in his words now;

“Because of the old man, my life is fucked.”

I don’t know if she was ever truly happy within her marriage or her life in general and wonder if she just stayed out of fear because she too was terrified of her husband.

My father had threatened suicide several times and my mother picked up the pieces of his desperation time and time again.

http://www.picturequotes.com/suicide-quotes/2

 

© All Rights Reserved – The boy in the chip 2019