Contradiction-ramblings

I live my life in contradiction.

Consistently being aware that to live in one’s mind carries such turmoil and conflict-a depth that can ignite the soul and also exacerbate those unwanted emotions.

How did I ever get to this place?

I think that there is truth in the ‘feeling sorry for yourself’ comment.

My self, poor love, has carried enough shit in her time and sometimes her load lessens and then at times, the load feels too heavy to carry and she crashes.

It has been 4 weeks since moving abroad (my running away pattern at it’s finest) and 4 weeks of living with my Mother who has brought so much pain into my life over several decades.

She would never understand that statement or accept it.

My teenage part has surfaced with gust and is fighting for survival once again.

Yeah… I do feel sorry for her, bless her and for me, the adult me, well I am pretty much pissed off with myself for choosing struggle over the knowledge to change.

At times I am able to connect at the highest level to something so much greater and then it seems I fall so low and just don’t have the energy to pull myself out again.

My heart tells me that ultimately I have a purpose-we all do and that I must keep going forwards to wherever life may lead me or is it that I, may lead my life?

Who has the power here?

The contradiction for me is that I know that I can teach you how to change your life, how to release those unwanted emotions, how to live your best life yet and all that wonderful stuff and yet for me, it’s not enough.

I want more-I want more for me.

I want answers from the deepest level I want to know why?

Why do I exist?

Why am I here?

What the hell is this all about?

It really can’t all be for nothing?

What does connection really mean? Connected to what?

What’s out there?

What am I connected to?

So many questions within me and it seems much conflict surrounding me too.

It’s much more than forgiveness… so much more.

Day in, day out I feel I’m wasting time as I wander around, literally wandering looking for the signpost to direct me.

I can’t go back-backwards is uncomfortably safe and the path forwards is unclear so I just seem to stand in the middle as if I am some robot with failing batteries.

When I look in the mirror each day, I can see the brightness slipping away. My skin looks drab and my eyes don’t seem to sparkle any longer. My hair is grey and limp and my body over weight and heavy.

I’m tired-exhausted in fact.

Wayne Dyer said once – “Don’t ever affirm that you are tired, you are wasting your precious time of this earth!”

And of course he is right; I am wasting my precious time.

If there is any take home lesson from my ramblings then maybe it’s for me to say, don’t waste your time living with pain and conflict. Reach out and ask for help.

There are some wonderful human beings out there that will take the time to listen to your story and support you when needed.

And for me… well I am just having a few difficult days and there will always be something for me to learn from all of this and that’s because I am a seeker.

(and the biggest pain in my own ass)

https://www.quotemaster.org/truth+seeker

In gratitude.

Namaste

 ©All Rights Reserved – The boy in the chip shop 2019-20

Feeling sorry for Your-self

My – Self, is pretty exhausted.

She’s had a lot to manage just lately.

During a heated discussion, reminiscent of being the teenager that I once was, my Mother, slammed me with these words;

“You’re always feeling sorry for yourself!”

“Well let’s face it Michelle, there is always one problem or another you seem to be dealing with-if you’d had the kind of life that I had, dealing with your sick father all those years ago… then God help you.”

I’ll just leave it there for now and continue feeling oh, so sorry for my-self!

Seems, it’s something I’m consistently good at it.

QuotesGram

 (I must remember to change my socks)

©All Rights Reserved – The boy in the chip shop 2019-20

Don’t become the ladder

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To feel deeply disconnected creates such inner turmoil.

When I look at her, I am plagued with feeling utterly frustrated and then overwhelming guilt. It saddens me to see her struggle as an elderly lady and then leaves me feeling exhausted because her expectations of me as a daughter, are just too high.

I read quotes about how it is my ‘duty’ to look after her as she ages (I’ve been doing it for as long as I can remember) and yet, my drowning in desperation seems insignificant!

Maybe drowning is the answer-mine not hers.

Guilt-has long been the prominent emotion which surrounds her and our attachment to one another.

Age is no pretty thing if you are still dragging bitterness and unforgiveness with you and lets face it, she has never ever been separated from her own personal turmoil which seems, I am expected to carry too; well from her point of view anyway!

So I guess I shall just crack on with it and carry both of my parents unresolvedness, until such time that I have learned the lessons that the universe requires me to learn from all of my time here or, I have the courage to live my life for me and not for them.

The pain of carrying their emotional stories, their feelings of insignificance, their all time stuff, is back breaking-literally.

I have never felt such physical pain in my lower back as I do now and on another level of my being human, the realization that I chose this path of most resistance too,

brings fourth a wry smile.

They really did teach me well!

lifenotestofile.com

and I am still learning.

Always learning.

So a lesson for you;

love yourself enough to not get into the hole of drama with another.

Offer them a ladder so that they can climb out themselves.

Don’t become the ladder!

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Its been a while…

My beautiful girl and her smile is worth all of the struggle.

We made it to France.

The land we now call home.

Exhausted – it’s been a long few months.

Well for the moment anyway.

©All rights reserved – The boy in the chip shop 2019-20